My Funny Punishment
by thebrokenwriter
Summary: Suigetsu chuckled, as Sasuke sent a pissed off looking glare. Sasuke continued to ignore Suigetsu, then Suigetsu, continued, "IT IS A GIRL! YOU DO KNOW HER! OH MY GOD AND ALL THIS TIME I THOUGHT YOU WERE GAY! DAMN! NICE ONE BRO!" he yelled. OFFICIALLY UPDATED AFTER 3 YEARS.
1. He's NOT Gay?

**UPDATE- 3/12/13**

**So, since I'm older and realized how shitty of a writer I was when I was 12, I have decided to edit all earlier chapters of this fic.**

**Not necessarily changing the content, mostly the numerous amounts of grammar errors I have done.**

**In the beggining of this whole thing (mostly this chapter) everything may seem too 'dramatic' at some points, but it lessens as we go on.**

**Thanks for reading, and please, review, and I don't own Naruto.**

* * *

It was a beautiful day in Konoha. The birds were chirping, the leaves were swaying, and the 5th Hokage was drunk blissfully in booze.

It was the start of a new day, a new beginning, and a new count to see how many times Sakura can pound Naruto into the ground without him ending up in the US.

(A/N Ha-ha get it? Cause they are in Japan.)

It was also a day to see how many times Naruto could trick Kiba into eating dog food, which was really easy.

And let's not forget about counting how many FML's Sasuke Uchiha can achieve in a day. This was a lot, considering he had Karin as a teammate.

A 21 year old Sakura Haruno walked down the gravel path, passing local strip shops, markets, and small food stands.

The delicious aroma wafted into the air, passerbys getting more attracted to the scent, while the pink kunoichi just reminisced about the good old days back in Team 7.

She looked left and right, from the Itchiraku ramen bar, to the market.

Then she looked behind her, and she saw the big red cross.

The hospital.

Sakura was wearing her uniform, a white little dress, white stockings, and a doctor's coat that said, '_Sakura Haruno. M.D.' _in blue letters.

She also adorned a little nurse hat, that had a red cross the front, and a little Leaf Village symbol at the corner in black.

The pink kunoichi's hair was in a little bun, bangs framing her face, and she was just coming back from her early shift.

And now, her thoughts focused on one thing, Sasuke and Team 7.

_"It's such a nice day. Beautiful even. But why aren't I happy? Because Sasuke-kun isn't here. Even after countless attempts, he just won't come home. I still miss him.__"_

She sighed, continuing her train of thought that consisted of Team 7, the good times, but mostly Sasuke.

And now, your favorite knuckle-headed ninja comes in, and strolls by Sakura, who was still deep in thought.

Interrupting her thoughts, as Sakura looked and slightly smiled at the enthusiastic-brother-like figure named Naruto.

Said person was attempting to talk with her, saying-

"Oi! Sakura-chan! What's up? Isn't it a beautiful day?" he asked enthusiastically, a grin spreading his tan face.

Sakura sighed once more, and instead of hitting him, she sadly replied, "Yeah.." as she looked back into the bright sky, her pink hair blowing in the wind, making her look like a goddess.

But Naruto dismissed thoughts like that, because he has someone else that would easily replace Sakura when it came romantically.

(A/N IN SHORT NARU-CAKES LOVES SOMEONE _ELSE.)_

Naruto's attire was, of course, his infamous orange jumpsuit, and his long leaf village headband.

He still had his whisker marks on his face, with his tan skin.

Naruto was smiling once he asked Sakura about the beautiful day, but seeing her look a bit solemn, his smile became a firm line.

Then the interrogation began.

The blonde hokage-wannabe interrogated, "What's wrong? Are you okay Sakura-Chan? Are you sick? Is baa-Chan working your ass off more than usual? God, she's getting drunker everyday..."

Sakura didn't want Naruto to worry over her just like their genin days.

Even though he technically is a genin…

But still.

She sheepishly replied, "No its okay, I'm alright. Just thinking about some things, Naruto, that's all. And don't talk crap about the hokage. I know she has…drinking issues, but she's the only one who can take charge. You still need training then you can become the hokage."

After Sakura said this, smiling slightly at the fact Naruto was training to be hokage, the pinkette escaped Naruto by going back to her house which was across the street.

"Bye Naruto, I'll see you later." The door closed shut, and Naruto glanced at the door, then back at the paved sidewalk on the ground.

_"What's wrong with her? ...Hmm…Must be bastard related."_

After this thought, Naruto ran off, going to the Ichiraku Bar down the street, having no care in the world.

* * *

**TEAM TAKA~~~~**

While that was happening, Team Taka was resting at an old Uchiha hide out, tired from running away from Orochimaru after Sasuke killed him, and probably heading back to Konoha, Sasuke wasn't sure yet.

The hideout had a small cave-like entrance, but it lead to an underground hideout/base.

Both of the exit/entrance both had Sakura trees outside, to make it seem like a normal cave to outsiders.

Sasuke was currently outside, sitting on a rock and thinking about a certain pink kunoichi, as he stared off at the scattering cherry blossoms that surrounded him.

He was about to have a good old nostalgic flasbach, till an annoying girl with shitty red hair came in, and ruined everything.

"SASUKE-KUN!" yelled out an obsessed creepy, fan girl stalker that we all know as…

Karin.

Her appearance scarred the white rabbits, and some even killed themselves (don't know how that was even possible), or going blind.

Sasuke then, instead of having somewhat happy thoughts, received a migraine, as he began to contemplate what to do:

**A)** Puke, _"Nah that's not cool" _he thought.

**B)** Kill himself. _"Too emo, even for me." _

Or

**C)** Kill Karin. _"It doesn't sound bad. I'll do that later, damn, if only I had my katana… Dammit."_

Then, his thoughts about Team 7 were going to start again until…

"Sasuke-kun, I know you want this..."

Karin tried to say seductively, but failed when her yellow teeth were shown, and when a distant laughter of a crack-high Suigetsu was heard, shattering her attempt, that would've failed anyway, do to her being a man lady.

Sasuke also noticed that Karin had a mustache growing, which was even BEFORE HIM, and that made it worse.

The raven-haired teen was really was considering** A)**, but his damn pride got in the way, preventing to puke up his breakfast, which consisted of fish, ongiri, and a small cherry tomato.

"I am not in the mood for your fail attempts of trying to seduce me." Sasuke replied in monotone, as he glared at her sharply.

Which scared Karin, but she didn't back down, which made Sasuke put this as a 699th FML of the years after Team 7.

Sasuke thought for sure that he would reach 1,000 but the count would end once he got to Konoha, his home again.

He hoped.

Cause there was always that _dobe _name _Naruto _who screwed up a lot.

Sasuke was starting to drift off into the realm of flashbackism, but that planned when he heard a man-like voice, breaking his thoughts.

** AKA Karin.**

"What's wrong honey, maybe I could..." Karin left the rest, leaving the Uchiha to imagine.

Sasuke thought of the possible and preferred answers-

"Maybe I could...

Back the hell off,

kill myself (he loved this one),

leave you alone,

never be your fan girl,

leave, jump off a cliff, go die, etc.…"

Sasuke then realized what the red-head slut called him, so he responded, "Karin shut the fuck up, stop calling me that, and leave me the FUCK alone!"

He yelled the last part, making sure to say it in a stern tone.

Accompanying that was a harsh glare, then Karin got scared shitless, and left him alone, finishing with a "Fine. But I _know you love me_..."

Sasuke _shivered_ mentally at the rest of her words, because he knew he wasn't _gay._

Now, our favorite fish boy came in-

No not Kisame,

but Suigetsu.

His white hair was damp, and there was a smudge of white under his nose, (probably crack), and his purple eyes looked mischievous, a sly grin on his face.

That kind of expression was the one that Sasuke **hated**, because that meant that he would annoy the hell out of him.

But it was way better than Karin.

Anything was.

Sasuke shivered at the thought of Karin.

She seriously was beginning to be worse than Itachi.

And that meant something.

Sasuke just looked down, his black brows furrowed; completely annoyed that **everyone kept stopping his emo flashbacks!**

Suigetsu spoke first, "Someone's emo today…Do you need a kunai? How about a diary…Remember, across, not down, or you'll kill yourself."

He chuckled at the end, while Sasuke just glared at him for being stupid and doubling the intensity of his migraine.

He_ really_ wanted to get to Konoha, but that was a week from now.

It would've been faster, but Karin was _**such a fat-ass** _that it took longer, and no one wanted to carry her, in fear of getting an STD.

(Even if that was probably impossible)

He then began to ponder about the times he bit _him _to get healed.

'_Oh shit... I need an HIV, Herpes, etc. test.'_

Sasuke promised himself he would check the doctors in Konoha once he got there. He couldn't give Sakura an STD, he'd be screwed.

Sasuke replied, "Suigetsu. Not today."

Then Suigetsu grinned, happy he came at the times that he was utterly pissed.

Sasuke felt the opposite,

now he had 700 FML'S.

Sasuke contemplated how much money he would get if he documented a book about it.

'_Probably a lot.' _He thought.

_ Oh hey, that rhymed!_

Suigetsu's voice interrupted him.

**AGAIN.**

Suigetsu continued his rant, stopping at, "So Sasuke, what emo thing are you thinking about today? A girl? Of course it wouldn't be Karin because she's a man…Hm...

Is it that pink-headed girl that we met...Hm...3 years ago was it? I bet you DO know her!" Suigetsu chuckled, as Sasuke sent a pissed off looking glare.

Sasuke continued to ignore Suigetsu, then Suigetsu, continued,

"IT IS A GIRL! YOU DO KNOW HER! OH MY GOD AND ALL THIS TIME I THOUGHT YOU WERE GAY! DAMN! NICE ONE BRO!" he yelled, trying to make Sasuke give a fist-bump, but failing.

The nearby birds that were in the trees flew away, but there wasn't a lot left, because Karin's face scared most of them off. *Cough 90% Cough*

Sasuke then said, "Hn."

Which Suigetsu took as a yes, as her persisted on about him and pink-haired kids, and how the pink girl was hot.

Sasuke then glared at Suigetsu of thinking about _his _Sakura like that, when only _he _should have thoughts about her.

But of course, he didn't dare say her name. The only part of him that said her name was his brain, not his mouth.

Suigetsu then challenged the raven Uchiha.

"If you don't give a name, I'm just going to assume you're gay for Karin. And I _know _you aren't but I will assume and yell it out the world. 'SASUKE LOVES KARIN!'.

Oh and you can only imagine what Karin will do. Hehehe…"

Sasuke, widened his eyes slightly, then said, "Sakura Haruno."

"That name sounds perfect for her. Cause her hair's pink and her eyes are green like the leaves of a Sakura tree."

He then ranted about Sakura's name, making the Uchiha growl when he mentioned her beauty, and what was 'under that'.

Then when he said he'd 'tap that' Sasuke exploded.

He yelled, "SHE'S MINE DAMNIT."

But, this was miss-interpreted, and Karin came in, yelling "I'D KNEW YOU'D COME AROUND SASUKE-KUN! I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT! YOU DO LOVE MEEE!"

Then, all the birds from the forest and small woodland creatures ran like hell, some now blind and deaf from Karin's disgusting screech, and slutty clothes.

And far in Konoha, the people head distant screech, then shook their heads, imagining something, and then mentally shivering.

Sasuke then promptly left the scene with a 'Poof!' (Yeah, just like Kaka-sensei) and he appeared in a brook nearby, as he calmed himself.

He hopefully thought that he was far enough distance so that Karin wouldn't be able to track him.

But, since Uchiha's aren't perfect, as he moved to sip some water, one step...

Made hell break lose.

The trees broke, the leaves gone, and everything was covered in dust.

Fat footprints were in the ground, almost making an earthquake.

Sasuke panicked, and hid his chakra.

He was sin deep shit, that one step triggered Karin's senses.

He just knew it.

As he hid in the bush, to confirm his theory, he saw slutty clothes lying in the ground.

Now it was double shit, Karin stripped, knowing he was there. 'Oh crap' was the only thought he had, as he saw a dash of red in the air.

Sasuke made sure he was fully masked, as any hint of any chakra, would mean death trap, and rape.

He so wasn't prepared.

* * *

**Well? How was it?**

**Bye-**

**-thebrokenwriter**


	2. FantasyLand?

Chapter 2.

Now, I bet you're wondering what the hell happened to emo kid and the tranny red-head. Well, let's find out.

Day 3.

Sasuke kept track of how long he was in that bush. He was starving, deprived of water, and going blind. He hasn't eaten in days. Karin was still on the lookout for him, and all Sasuke wanted to do was kill himself, but there was no kunai, shuriken, or katanas nearby. The raven was turning blind from seeing Karin's dick, when he checked to see if the coast was clear. Now he doesn't look at all. The birds and woodland creatures fled from the forest, all getting away to somewhere else, or just making suicide. The sight that Karin gave to the animals was a scarred for life moment for them. They needed to get away from the horrible torture. Sasuke decided to remain calm. Until the sudden idea hit him like a ton of bricks. Literally. A squirrel was against emos like Sasuke and threw a brick at his head, creating a bruise and a scratch. FML #701.

Sasuke didn't scream like a sissy, (even though he really wanted to inside, Damn squirrels hit HARD. Karin was sure to find him.) So, Sasuke remembered that since he had enough chakra, he could teleport like the hentai that we all know and love, Kakashi sensei. But he had to be fast, because in order to do the jutsu, he needed to leak some chakra, and that would send Sasuke into CODE: F-A-N-G-I-R-L and he really didn't want to deal with that. So, Sasuke teleported, but he forgot to say Konoha, and ended up in London, in a school of Witch Craft and Wizardry. Yes people, the great Sasuke Uchiha ended up in Hogwarts.

Sasuke panicked, he wasn't anywhere near Konoha, and the Ninja World in that matter. 'What the hell with the cloaks? Oh god, sticks too? Where the fuck am I? Oh shitt…." Was Sasuke's first thoughts. Then he saw a group of three.

Sasuke's Descriptions':

Boy 1: Hn..He looked like a huge geek to me…I mean who the hell has a lightning bolt on his forehead? Is he some demon that has to do with Lightning? Hell nah, that's _my _element. He has black hair into a bowl cut, but his looks waayyy better than the bushy brow kid. And he has circle glasses like Kabuto..Woah. What if Lee and Kabuto had a kid and it was _this _guy? And why the hell would they send him to London? Woah. Are his eyes green? Oh crap, don't tell me that _Lee _and _Kabuto _raped _Sakura? _No..That can't be.. *Inner Breakdown*

Girl: Her hair is waayy worse than Karin's. It's all frizzy and the color is a alight brown. She's carrying a book. Again, what a NERD. Kind've like...Sakura…..

Boy 2/Girl 2: Well, I put the slash, because he/she looked in between... He/She was a ginger, his clothes were worn out, like hand-me downs, and he had sooo many DAMN FRECKLES. The number of freckles on that kids face rivaled my number of FMLs. Yeah, it was that bad. His hair was on ugly orange like Naruto's absurd jump suit, and he/she seemed to have the hots for Girl 1. I say he/she is part she cause he really, talks like a damn girl. But whatever.

The raven nin was an outcast. Everyone had these really weird black cloaks. They all were black, but they had a little emblem on the pocket, but Sasuke wasn't paying attention to what it looked like. He was wondering if these stick wielding people affiliated with the Akatsuki. He wasn't sure. Soon after he appeared, everyone stared at him, giving the, 'Who the hell are you look' which Sasuke was all-too-familiar of, being a person like that himself. Since that jutsu put him he thought..England?

He wasn't sure, but him being Japanese, he didn't understand what the hell everyone else said. Sasuke then went under a tree, but that was a sucky decision because he fell, into this weird ass place that had talking rabbits with watches, and a girl who shrunk and grew due to drinking and eating this strange food. 'What kind of place is this? FantasyLand?' Sasuke thought, but his thoughts died down when a weird dragon thing came out. It was big and hideous, and he saw that weird girl, now in a suit of armor, charge at thedragon, attempting to kill it. Of course Sasuke wanted her sword so he could kill it himself, or may he'd chidori the dragon-type-thing. But then this weird guy with the whitest face he'd ever seen, more white than Oro-pedo-chan. Yeah, that hella white.

And he also noticed, that he had green eyes. Not like Sakura's beautiful emerald ones, but creepy lime ones. He inwardly shuddered, and when he looked closer, one of his eyes weren't centered right..Okay, that was really fucking raven nin also noticed 2 fat kids that apparently are twins. The fat globes wore the same thing, but when Sasuke heard them speak, it was so damn confusing. Sasuke didn't want to attract attention, so he just hid in some nearby bushes. FML #702. Sasuke and bushes were like the best of friends. From situations like hiding so Orochimaru, Kabuto, Karin, AND fangirls, to just hiding in them to clear of unwanted enemies. Sasuke already concluded that hiding from Karin was the _worst _thing he had **ever had to do _in his life._**

Sasuke stayed in the bush for a couple of days. He wasn't scared about the fucked up creatures and people out there. (He was just too gay to admit it, but otherwise he was scared shitless. Especially the guy with the hat. The neon eyes sent chills.) Sasuke waited until no one was there, and when his chakra was replenished. So, he teleported again. Now he was back with the Japanese people he came to know of. But the location was a _bit _off. Instead of being sent to Konoha, he was in the **exact same place. The bush. **

Everything was the same. The dead animals, the broken brick, and the scattered slutty clothes that belonged to the tranny that we all know and **hate, **Karin.

The raven then immediately tried to hide his chakra. He didn't want to deal with a transexual slut at the moment. He swore to _himself _that he _**wasn't gay. **_Despite everything, like only hanging out with Naruto, ignoring and hating all his-fangirls, and only opening up to the males in his team, excluding Karin cause she was both. But Sasuke was too late because he was taking in where he was. Due to that, a fugly looking slut came, her non-existent boobs swaying, her arms in the air, exposing the worst body odor, and the reddish, **brown **pit hair in view. An in the distance, you could hear the 'smack' of dead animals, and plant life hitting the soil, now dead from sight, _**and smell. **_Sasuke closed his eyes and pinched his nose, hiding his chakra away. '_FML 703#' _he secretly counted in his head. It was funny how all of his FML'S are Karin, Naruto, or Suigetsu related.

**"SASUKE-KUNN! I FOUND YOUUUU!" **screeched/man yelled a trashy red-head, as she fully stopped at the bush that a cetrain Uchiha was residing in.

Karin dragged him out, as he stood by her, no emotion in his eyes, as he stared off, thinking.

'_Oh shit. Okay, Sasuke you can do this. You can escape the pits of hell (litteraly)...Think...What can I do? I'm low on chakra, and he found my location..Dammit.' _Thought Sasuke.

'**Dude. You are screwed. You're gonna lose your V-Card to a _hoe_. You know that? Not our Sakura, but a _trashy, skanky, whore, ugly girl._ No scratch that, _boy._ You are sooo gonna get surprise butt-secks. You screwed. I feel so bad for us at the moment. God, you just _had _to go to a fucking place with people with cloaks an sticks, and then you went to a place with creepy ass guys in hats. And they call you a **_prodigy.' _Said Inner Sasuke, mentally face-palming himself.

'_Shut the fuck up Inner okay? What am I gonna do? I CAN'T GET RAPED! I HAVE **PRIDE **YOU KNOW!" _Sasuke mentally shouted at himself. An angry aura surrounding him.

'**You know what? I QUIT. I won't bother you anymore. And when you start to think about sex tips with our cherry blossom, don't come _running _to me.' **Inner Sasuke said.

'_YOU ALREADY HAVE SEX TIPS? YOU PERVERT!' _Sasuke yelled at his inner. As a little blush crept up on his cheeks. But, sadly, this went unnoticed by our little red-head tranny.

"Oh Sasuke...I know you're think dirty thoughts of _me..._ You naughty boy..." Karin said aloud, as more birds died, and trees fell, her fat footprints marking the ground as she moved closer.

Her flat chest was about to hit his muscular one until...

"HEY GUYS! I MEAN GUY AND TRANNY, PUT ON YOUR DAMN CLOTHES! NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT! YOUR MAKING PUPPIES CRY!" yelled Suigetsu, as a bottle of beer was in his right hand, and a cigarette in the other, while under his nose was a visible white powder. Yeah, Suigetsu's drunk _and _high.

He must've been partying _again, _and doing _crack. _Sasuke then sighed, as he left the fat boy in order to get to Suigetsu. The red-head yelled, telling Sasuke to come back. Sasuke then replied, 'Fuck no. I am not going to get raped today, tomorrow, next and not even a _year later. _More like 2.'' I bet you're wondering why he's technically saying he's gonna get raped in two years? Cause, with Sakura as his wife, he was bound to. Then Sasuke realized, '_It's not rape if you don't like it..' _But Sasuke _knew _he would, so his plan backfired.

Karin looked for her clothes, trying to make Sasuke look at her 'beautiful ass'. And by beautiful I mean fugly, and by ass, I mean fat ass.' '_FML #704' _Sasuke thought.

She got dressed in her skimpy outfit, batting eyelashes at Sasuke, and once again failed at seduction.

"I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO WAIT TWO YEARS SASUKE-KUN! I'LL STILL LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!'' yelled Karin, breaking eardrums extending at a 20 mile radius.

"Karin..Did you just admit that you're gonna rape Sasuke in 2 years?" Suigetsu asked, scared for his ass virginity at the moment, while Sasuke felt it 10x worse.

The two out of three males unconsciously touched their own ass, trying to protect their as virginity. I say 2/3 because Karin's a slut and already lost , and Again, and**_ Again. _**

"DUH!'' Karin said dumbly, not getting in what Suigetsu was saying, cause after all, her I.Q was -1,000,000,000. (A/N -1 Billion and COUNTING)

Then, as expected, Suigetsu and Sasuke, released their inner sissies, and ran away off into the sunset like Lee and Gai Sensei... But less gay...If thats possible.

* * *

**SOMEWHERE IN KONOHA~~~~~**

"Do you feel it Lee? Someone, right now, is being youthful as you and me with their conpanion! ISN'T IT SO YOUTHFUL LEE?"

Gai yelled, as tears of joy ran down his face, and a sunset scene came in, and you could see the sparkles of youth on Gai's and around Gai's face.

**"YES GAI! **I FEEL THE YOUTH THAT HTE PEOPLE ARE BASKING IN! THEIR YOUTHFULNESS EVEN RIVALS OURS LIKE THE GREAT KAKASHI SENSEI!"

Lee yelled, as he too, entered the sunset. They then made their good guy pose, putting their thumbs up and smiling like the idiots they are. The youthful sparks were everywhere.

* * *

**Back with 3/4 of Team Taka. (There's no Juugo yet remember?)**

As your favorite sisses ran, an earthquake was about to happen.** Karin was attempting to ****_run. _**And as you all probably know, when fat asses like Karin who way 200+ pounds, they create stampedes that tip the Rictor , that bad. Well, take the strongest earthquake, multiply by 10, then add the fact that this is an anime. Yeah. Imagine it. One foot, and all of the trees nearby, wither A) Blow Away, Creating a Wasteland or, B) They jump up, then add gravity, and they go down, tilted, messed up, and uprooted. Yes. That was equivilent to the after effects when a girlishboy named Karin, runs.

Yeah. All hell breaks lose.

Anway, the boys (Suigetsu and Sasuke), were panting, and exhausted. They made it into Konoha. Yeah. You see, they would've been there _earlier, _but then, remember people, when you have someone like _**Karin, **_a normal 2 day trip takes a week or two. Its mainly cause Karin's too slow, and when she stops, everyone has too, because no one would carry her cause their arm's would break. So, Sasuke an Suigetsu entered the village, and time stopped. Then, ANBU came in, and you know what happened, they take them both and they go to Tsunade's office for proper punishment from being criminals and for Sasuke being a traitor and all that crap.

* * *

_Preview_

**GRANNY'S OFFICE~**

_The duo came in, tired from running from Karin, and tired from all of Ibiki's endless interrogations. Sasuke and Suigetsu have been _**through **_hell. Suigetsu plopped in the nearby chair, while Sasuke being the, 'I'm too cool' ego thing, he just continued to stand. But what next hit them. Well, mostly Sasuke. Suigetsu just shouted, "OH MY GOD ITS HER! MAKE **BABIES NOW!'** before getting punched by said girl. The girl glared at Sasuke, while he had his 'I'm emo, I don't show emotions,' face on, while a certain blonde that we all know, smacked Sasuke upside the head and screamed, "TEME! YOUR'E BACK" Aas he gave said male a bone-crushing hug, as Sasuke's face turned pale. Now, he really regretted coming back._

_'**Fuck my life..' **was his only thought.

* * *

_**Well? **

**How was Chapter Number...2!**

**I think I bashed Karin a hell lot in this chapter. XDD**

**The MORE the BETTER! :D **

**Hmm.. I think I could've done a bit better on the humor, I think it was funnier in the first chapter than this one...**

**But that's for you, my wonderful reviewers to decide :D :D :D **

**Yes, I gave hints from Sasuke's crazy ass adventures from Alice in Wonderland, and Harry Potter.**

**Sorry, but making the Uchiha screw up in _any _way possible is damn right HILARIOUS!**

**And the Karin Bashing? One of the BEST PARTS.**

**I don't own anything, except the plot. Thank you people who read and review this fic, it means alot. :D**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter, and I hope to update soon!**

**Ja Ne**

**Christa-chan**

**PLEASE READ AND REVIEWWWW  
**


	3. Punishments?

Strain in the Heart

* * *

**GRANNY'S OFFICE~**

* * *

The duo came in, tired from running from Karin, and tired from all of Ibiki's endless interrogations. Sasuke and Suigetsu have been **through **hell. Suigetsu plopped in the nearby chair, while Sasuke being the, 'I'm too cool' ego thing, he just continued to stand. But what next hit them. Well, mostly Sasuke. Suigetsu just shouted, "OH MY GOD ITS HER! MAKE **BABIES NOW!'** before getting punched by said girl. The girl glared at Sasuke, while he had his 'I'm emo, I don't show emotions,' face on, while a certain blonde that we all know, smacked Sasuke upside the head and screamed, "TEME! YOUR'E BACK" Aas he gave said male a bone-crushing hug, as Sasuke's face turned pale. Now, he really regretted coming back.

'**Fuck my life..' **was his only thought.

The godanime eyed the Uchiha, then the 'fish-boy' and back to Uchiha. This continued for about 5 minutes until an angry pink kunoichi yelled 'WHAT THE FUCK TSUNADE! GIVE THEM THEIR DAMN PUNSIHMENT' and then, a tumbling sound were heard, followed by shrieks of terror.

Oh shit. Her voice created an avalanche in the Land of Snow. 'Find a happy place, find a happy place...'

_But that wasn't important_, Tsunade thought, what was important was how the _hell _she was going to get her hearing back. This same thought was thought (does that even make_** sense**_?) throughout the village, and the hokage's room. Tsunade would've strangled her apprentice, but the fact that she had _that__ enormous _temper made her love her even more. But not in that way. That was too awkward and pedophilic like her old teammate, Orochimaru.

Tsunade didn't scold Sakura, but another blond did. What an **idiot.**

'SAKURA-CHAN! THAT WAS WAY TOO LOUD! I THINK I CAN'T HEAR ANYMORE!' Naruto yelled. But he soon regretted it.

**'SHUT THE HELL UP NARUTO! I JUST WANNA GO HOME, AND GET A HELL LOT OF SLEEP, CAUSE SOME PEOPLE WORK 24/7 AT THE HOSPITAL SAVING LIVES!**'

she retorted, as Naruto hid in the corner, shaking, thinking _'Find a happy place, find a happy place.._' The blonde was holding his teddy bear, similar to Gaara's... Way too similar. Like,_** EXACT**_.

Next thing you know, an angry red-head hokage came in, with an angry-killing-intent mood on his face…Per usual.

He then said the words that would've defiled any man's pride, but since its Gaara, no one would call him gay. Ever.

That word was strictly forbidden for Karin *shiver*, Neji, and Sasuke. Cause that was_** too damn funny.**_

"Who the **hell **took my Teddy Bear.' Was the only words he uttered, and note, he said this as a **statement**, _not_ a **question.**

And everyone silently pointed to Naruto who dashed out of the building faster than Lee if he found out Sakura was waiting outside for him to ask her out. Yeah,_** that fast**_. That was then followed by a stomping Gaara who noticeably had a something red about to pop out of his head. And it _wasn't_ his Love kanji tattoo. Not by a _long shot_.

Okay, so the only people that were left were Sakura, Suigetsu, Tsunade, and of course, Sasuke. Until a disturbance was made when a body slammed from the outside, and crashed in causing, an earthquake. Yes people, it was…_Karin._

_Insert FML's animal deaths, and crying children._ She stepped in, clad in ugly booty shorts that showed it's (we could never decide a gender so he/she's an 'it') huge-ass muffin top and fat, boots that were screaming 'fuck me', but you could tell, it wouldn't get sex anyway, no matter what Karin tried. She was too damn ugly… Karin's shirt was a sports bra, with fat bulging from all directions_. _Many animal funerals were held in the forest due to this sight. Its hair was blood red, and covered in twigs and dirt. And from the looks of it, a half-eaten taco. Her/Him/Its face was covered in acne, dirt, and any shit that you could name. Karin's glasses were so dirty; people wondered how she could see in the first place. The glasses were broken, and unbalanced. She also smelled like monkey shit, her natural scent that was supposed to 'attract _my _Sasuke-kun'. And of course, that failed. But she never got the memo.

* * *

The only thought that played in Sasuke's brain like a broken record was, 'Fuck my life.' As per usual, Suigetsu greeted her first with a witty insult. Actuality with a witty insult. Actually, any, anything was considered a smart comeback, cause Karin's I.Q was negative 2. The fish-boy spoke, 'Hey, did you get UGLIER? Well, it's not like you can get pretty anyway like doll face (points to Sakura, Sasuke growls) over here. Why'd you drag your fat ass over here anyway?' After that, he had a broad smirk on his face, his pointy teeth sticking out. While Karin's was pure and utter _shock. _And here comes Sasuke's #2 FML of coming back to Konoha. She screeched.

"HEY THAT'S NOT TRUE YOU STUPID...**FACE**! AND PLUS, MY SASUKE-KUN STILL LOVES ME CAUSE HE THINKS IM BEATIFUL!' She replied.

Her voice creating cracks in the mirrors, as the hokage reached under her desk and pulled out a large bottle of sake. This was gonna be a long day. Sakura looked at the failure of a hooker in disgust, and wondering why the hell Sasuke would like _that_. She was so glad she didn't have to deal with her¸ because she was Sakura-fucking-Haruno, and she doesn't deal with wannabe sluts except...Ino. But that was beside the point. Sakura was glad she didn't go on a revenge rampage, and ended up having to work with...Her? Him? It? Yeah, Sakura agreed that Karin, whatever it was, was not a girl, or a boy, but an it. Like a tranny. Sakura then eyed her own body, why the hell would the Uchiha like him?

Sakura, in contrast to Karin was beautiful. Sakura wasn't skinny as hell like Ino, or a huge fat ass like Karin. She had a medium build, and a chest size down from Tsunade. And Tsunade's breasts were _**big. **_The pink kunoichi had ivory pale skin, with vivid green eyes and unique pink hair. Her skin was soft to the touch and was clear of acne. She was a bit short, but that wasn't really a problem. Sakura had long slender legs, and no thunder thighs. (Cough KARIN Cough). Her brilliant and witty comments had men at her knees.

After Sakura pondered her body, she found the real reason why the Uchiha didn't like her. '_He's GAY!' _her inner shouted at her, and Sakura tried to stifle a giggle from escaping her plump, pink lips. But since the worlds screwed up, she giggled, and then let out a full blown laugh.

'See? Pinky over there thinks its funny.' Suigetsu said, pointing to Sakura, who went from a fit of giggles to anger in 3.2 seconds.

Oh shit.

'MY NAME'S NOT PINKY! YOU STUPID BASTARD!' She yelled her face puffed red in anger as she stomped forward to Suigetsu, who was too busy staring at her chest, and she promptly slapped him. Sakura left a pink, hand-shaped slap on his cheeks, as Sasuke smirked. Bad Move, as this soon became one of Sasuke's FML #3.

'AND YOU! WIPE THAT DAMN SMIRK OF YOUR FACE PRETTY BOY! YOUR'E ABOUT TO GET PUNSIHED SO DON'T YOU DARE SMIRK! YOU GOT THAT!'

That was then followed by a familiar ear-deafening screech, which was of course, made by Karin.

'DON'T YOU DARE YELL AT MY SASUKE-KUN LIKE THAT! HE CAN KICK YOUR ASS!' Then, another female yelled, which shut both of them up, paralyzed by her iron fist.

'BOTH YOU GUYS! SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME THINK!' Tsunade yelled, her voice bellowing, as Suigetsu drew his amethyst eyes to her big bust once again.

'Okay Sasuke, I figured out your punishment. But first, are these your two teammates?' She asked as she gestured to Karin and Suigetsu. Sasuke sighed and rubbed his temples, saying a quiet 'Hn'. He was seriously getting a headache from all that damn yelling. It was seriously getting annoying. And he just wanted to get everything damn over with. This whole 'punishment' discussion was a serious pain in the ass. This was seriously cutting into his 'time to be emo' time. And he really was looking forward to that.

'Hm…Well then, I guess I have to make a different punishment since they technically didn't betray the village.. But they followed you and the pedophile….' The hokage declared, as 3 Anbu captains came in, each cuffing a different member of Team Taka. It was impossible to cuff Karin due to her fat wrists, so, like an animal, they shot a dart into one of his (they assumed Karin was a boy) many chins, and 10 more Anbu came in, to drag him away, cause he was too fat, and 1 Anbu couldn't do it alone.

After Team Taka left, the only ones left were Tsunade and Sakura. Sakura was ready to go and fulfill her hospital duties, until Tsunade stopped her movements.

'I've decided that you will be the Uchiha's guard for his probation period which is 1 year. So I suggest you pack your bags, and move them to the Uchiha District. The hospital was alerted that you will take a day off to 'move out'. No one can know about this except Team 7. And later Konoha 12.'

Before Sakura could scream, "WHAT THE FUCK TSUNADE! CAN'T SOMEONE ELSE DO IT?", Tsunade quickly pushed her out her door, and slammed it, putting a chakra guards.

Tsunade really needed her Sake at the moment…

Outside the door, was a fuming Sakura. Her fists were clenched, and she sent a death glare at the floor. Poor floor. Sakura stomped out the Hokage Tower, a look that said, 'Say anything, and I'll kill you.' Sakura went to her apartment building, harshly opened the door, and went inside, slamming the same door behind her. Poor door. Sakura then went to her room, and as calmly as she could, she packed everything that she would need that would last her a year. This included medical texts, clothes, tolitries, and other shit that she needed. After about 2 hours, she was packed, and she rolled her luggage out the door. Then realization hit her. Faster than TenTen smacking someone for making a sexist joke. Faster than Lee running without his weights on. _**Yeah, that damn fast.**_

She was going to stay with Sasuke. **Stay with **_**Sasuke. **_This only meant disaster through her eyes.

* * *

**MEANWHILE**

Team Taka was in a chakra sealed jail cell. Which was anything but comfort. The floor was dirt, and there were bugs littering the floor. It smelt like blood, and it was dark. Like, really dark. Karin kept on attempting to latch on to Sasuke to 'protect her' but of course, he just shrugged her off with a mega-uber-death glare. Then she would get scared shitless, and leave him alone to broad like his usual emo self. Suigetsu was just quiet. And that wasn't really like him, and a quiet Suigetsu would be a sign of the apocalypse. And Sasuke really didn't need that shit right now.

'Hn'. Sasuke grunted, his dark eyes looming around the jail cell.. If he had enough chakra, he'd chidor Karin so she'd _shut the hell up _and then he'd chidori the jail cell door thing, so he could escape the idiots.

'We're screwed. Cause like, one, Karin's here. Two, we are in a cell that smells like rat's ass. And three, Lover boy's girl hates lover boy. Yeah, we're screwed.' Suigetus suddenly said, looking at Sasuke who again, for the billionth time, sent a pissed-off looking glare of annoyance. Suigetsu immediately stopped his what would be never ending rant, and just looked at the floor. There was peace for 1 or 2 seconds, until Karin opened her big fat mouth.

'IM HUNGRY!' She bellowed, turning into an even uglier (is that even POSSIBLE) creature who needed food. Like, NOW.

'Fuck my life…' Thought Sasuke as he closed his eyes and was trying to sleep which was impossible in their shitty conditions.

Sasuke was plotting suicide, while Karin ranted about her hunger, and Suigetsu smirked, as he pulled some crack out of his pocket. Hey, if he couldn't find the cure to the pain, why don't just numb it? He then took a straw from one of his various water containers, and started to sniff. This was going to be a long day. Was the both of the male's thoughts not including Karin cause Karin doesn't think due to her stupidity. I know, its that sad.. Well not really cause no one pities Karin. Like Ever.

Karin was really bored at the moment, so she decided to look outside the window, and outside that window was nature at its beauty. The birds were chirping, the squirrels were getting high on nuts, and the nearby river was full of fish. But since Karin looked out of the window, the beauty froze, and died. Cause the window acted like a magnifying glass sort off. So when Karin looked out, it enlarged her horrendous face.

And everyone knows, that when Karin shows her face, a part of the world dies. The birds chocked on their chirps and died. The squirrels got off their high, got sober, looked at Karin, and got petrified. The fish drowned in water (who the hell know that was possible?) and their bodies lifted up off of the cool water surface. The trees and grass instantly turned brown, and that once magnificent forest, fell to its knees in Karin's ugliness once again.

Suigetsu and Sasuke could only watch in horror was the once thriving forest beauty died at Karin's hands.

'Stupid forest.'

Was the only words she uttered, as she flipped her greasy hair (it was so greasy, that if you squeezed it, enough oil and grease could come out to fry a big-ass omelet on a pan and almost _soak _it in fatness that only Karin could obtain. Then Karin went to her corner, and raped Sasuke with her blood read eyes, as Sasuke would inwardly cry at the abuse. Cause of course, Uchihas don't cry on the outside.

* * *

**OUTSIDE OF JAIL CELL, HOKAGE'S OFFICE-**

The light was dim, kind of dim like in the old movies in the detective's office? Yeah that one. And the shutters were dusty and the hokage's desk was littered with papers, and empty bottles of Sake. The people who were in the room? Good question. The people where occupying the room were, Sai, Sakura, Naruto, Kakashi, and of course, Tsunade. The members of Team 7 were standing in a row, and Tsunade was sitting at her desk, giving them a stern look. Naruto was the first to piss his pants, and god, it smelt sooo GROSS. Sakura promptly smacked him upside the head, surprisingly calm unlike yesterday when she exploded. Kakshi had a solemn look on his face, and his Itch Itcha was nowhere in sight. Yes, it was that serious. Sai had his stupid fake smile on his face, art utensils on his back.

"Okay, since the Uchiha and Sakura have pent up sexual frustration, (insert woots and cheers from local perverts) I am putting Sakura in charge of Sasuke. Naruto, I am leaving you with the fishsticks kid, and Sai, I'm leaving you with Karin. Kakashi, I am putting you in charge for dropping in on them to see how they're doing. Th_is _mission is A-Ranked ("WOO A-RANKED MISSION" "SHUT THE HELL UP NARUTO!") and I suggest you take this seriously. These people are criminals, and the mission is over in 1 year. You are to tell NO ONE about this. Are we clear?" Tsunade said in a stern tone, looking at each member of Team 7 seriously.

"Hai." Was the words that each of them said, before using their epic-ninja skills and getting the hell out of Tsunade's office.

* * *

**I don't own Naruto. :(**

** And yes, people that was the newset chapter, and I hope you are satisfied.**

** Please review and whatever :) It's highly appreaciated and it makes me want to write more. :P**

** I'm sorry for any grammar and spelling mistakes, and I'm sorry if it isn't funny. But I try.**

** And I'm sorry if it's too short... But its the fact that I updated counts right?**

** Ja Ne` (Review please?)**

** Christa-Chan.**


	4. New Clothes?

I do not own Naruto.

* * *

**DAY ONE- SAKURA AND SASUKE.**

Sakura really wanted a certain 'my-sake-bitch' hokage to _**die. **_Its not like she hated her, I mean, the Sannin was like her mother..But still. Watching the 'boy-she-had-a-big-crush-on-before-he-broke-her-heart' was **unbearable.** She hated Sasuke with all her guts, if she had any..(_I SO DOOO!) _but the so-called 'guts' were in her true thoughts, or 'Inner' for short. And 'outer' hated Sasuke with all her might.. So what was inner's feelings?

She was _like- _no **is **a **seething-fiery-dragon-like-Musho-from-Mulan. **

**And that was _very bad._**

On the first day, Sakura packed up her stuff- clothes, ninja tools, scrolls, toiletries, her diary, and a romance novel. She was going to prove to that bastard that she wasn't weak anymore. After she packed, she headed off to the deserted Uchiha Compound, and she detected no one in sight. So, she crept up to the house that looked like the most 'alive' and opened the door. And when she came in, she was beet red, and was about to punch something that was probably going to be that squirrel that was by the nearby bush.

Poor squirrel.

"AHHHHHH!" Sakura shouted, but it wasn't like a shriek or ear-deafening like Karin's scream. Much more mature? But not manly, cause Sakura's a girl... And that would be weird, unless is Karin cause she/he's a creepy man-lady stalker with a dick. Sakura covered her eyes, as she dropped her belongings on the ground, not wanting to look at the male who had a stoic 'I-don't-give-a-fuck' appearance. Yes people, and adding to Sasuke's count of FML's; was Haruno Sakura.

Cause she made him 'almost-barely-there' blush.

**And no one has _ever _done that.**

Why did she scream? Very simple, even though Sakura was a medical ninja, and has seen this, the awkward part was that this was her _teammate, _and the _only _person she has _ever _had a crush on. Needless to say, what she saw was a _very _**sexy **Uchiha, which consisted of Sasuke, and a small towel around his most private parts, but it was **amazing. **Like, he had 8-pack abs and since he just took a shower, he was all **wet. **Inner Sakura was about to faint/nosebleed,e but since she was still pissed at the arrangement, she held back. Sasuke wasn't so good either. He was worried that Sakura might jump him, and even though it'd be nice to get _laid, _it was his teammate for god sakes, and he didn't need **another **fangirl on his pants. He was _**just violated by Karin, **_and that was.. just... Scarring. So he just sighed, and leaving with a grunt, hewent back into his room, while Sakura silently turned her head back to the inside of the house.

The house was _very..._

**Neat.**

Everything was in its place, nothing was rotting in the dust, but its still has that 'spooky' feeling, like haunted houses from Scooby-Doo. Sakura then called out for Sasuke, to ask where she would stay, and she secretly hoped it _wasn't _in **his **room. Cause, since the author is a pervert, she might end up writing a lemon, which she might do. And Sakura would end up beating the hell out of the author, and Author does **not **need a chakra-filled punch, kaithanxbai. Sasuke came out, all _dry, _and he was wearing his normal pedophile clothes. (Refer to Shippuden Outfit). Sakura then looked as his attire, just **one **_glance, _and immediatley-

**_bursted in laughter._**

Yes, the Haruno Sakura, trained ANBU medic, strongest konoichi besides her mentor, bursted into a fit of laughter at the Uchiha's getup. He in responce, growled at her, signaling to shut up. But she **_rofl'd. _**Yes, she fell down on the tile, first cried in pain, then laughed when she looked back up at Sasuke. He glared at her, annoyed at her laughter. He was an **_Uchiha _for God's Sake, **and Uchiha's **don't **get _laughed _at. It simply wasn't done. And add to the fact that she was an ex-fangirl, made it worse. Was he really the 'old boy toy' now? Had people gone _insane _and **resisted **him? He was supposed to be the hottest thing out there, not some old dude that people used to like.

Then again, he _did _**betray **the village.

And on that note, he just walked away, leaving Sakura who was probably going to die laughing. The lone Uchiha went to his room, to change, that 'stupid' _girlish _laughter ringing in his memory and ears at the moment. The male went in his room, burned all of his Orochi-pedofile-wear, but that was a bad idea. But I'lll tell you later _why. _After he burned his clothes, realization hit his face, and he stood there, blank, cause Uchiha's don't show emotions. And Sasuke was about to be shocked, face-palm him self, and even cry a little. Sakura, smelling the ash, went to his room, confused. She then did a water jutsu, to get rid of excess flame, and opened a window. She _is _a medic nin, and knows that inhaling smoke and ash is _not _a good thing.

After the smoke cleared, she looked a dumbstuck Sasuke, and she giggled quietly, before slapping him in the face.

And everyone knows, you don't even _dare _to slap an **Uchiha **in the face.

He glared, a pink hand print identical to Sakura's hand now placed on his cheek, then, he growled-

"I need **_new _**clothes."

Sakura looked at him with wide eyes in utter confusion as to _why _Sasuke needed them. She blinked twice, and understood why. _The smoke, the fire, glaring when I laughed...He BURNED his CLOTHES...Idiot... _Was her thoughts, before she smirked and said, "You can't leave the house Sasu-chan.'' She said, to anger him more. The pink-haired girl then told him about her current mission, aslo explaining his existence, dark eyes widening and narrowing at some parts. Then, when she finished, he glared at the ground, trying to take the new information. He wondered what was going on in this 'Sai's person's house, when he found out his dreaded #1 Fanboy was residing with an emotionless person that Sakura described to him. He smirked when he found out Suigetsu was going to stay with Naruto, knowing some fighting would be going on. He was glad that the three of them were separated, at least he wouldn't get **violated by Karin, **(cue shivers) or annoyed the hell out of Suigetsu's drugging and drinking habits.

But _now, _he was **stuck with Sakura.**

And for one year too.

It was okay, for him he guessed. At least Sakura wasn't really a stranger to him, and at least she proved to him she wasn't a fangirl. So that was good. But now he had to watch out for her fiery temper, and harsh punches. It was going to be _just **dandy. **_Stopping his thoughts, he also remembered that Kakashi would drop in from time to time. But looking at the 'now' time, he looked back at Sakura, who appeared to be lost in thought as well.

"I'll buy clothes for you."

Those were the five words that she uttered, looking down at the floor again. She shifted one leg, and bit her thumb, anxiously waiting for his reply. She then took a glance at him, emerald eyes staring, as Sasuke thought up his best reply. "Hn." Note, her didn't really give her clues of _what _she could buy for him. Sakura gained a lot of money over the years, due to overworking shifts at the hospital, and when her parents passed, she got the inheritance. And add to the fact she sold the house to get a condo, Sakura wasn't average, but rich. She mused that she could get him some clothes, but she had no clue what. Sasuke was a mysterious person, and maybe, Sakura could use it to her-

**Advantage.**

Turning her ninja-sandaled feet to the doorway, she glanced one more time at Sasuke to get a good look to estimate his clothe sizes. She was going to have lots of fun clothes shopping for the Uchiha. She hoped that it could be used for payback, and for blackmail as well. Just _imagining _Sasuke in a ridiculous outfit was enough to make her brighten in a smile,d and if Naruto saw it? Then he wouldn't stop laughing and teasing Sasuke for **lightyears. **And from that thought onward, she trekked over to the front door, placed a chakra barrier so he wouldn't escape, and so she could be the only one to enter, she left the house, somehow snatching Sasuke's wallet with her.

* * *

**AT THE MALL~**

Sakura was at the mall, Starbucks in hand, giggling to herself at her newfound purchases, courtesy of Sasuke's wallet, and DAMN he had a LOT of money. Then again, Sakura thought, he _was _the only person _alive _in his clan. What she bought? Call her crazy, insane, but the things she got for her _dear Sasuke _were listed as:

-2 Sai Inspired Half-shirts,

-2 Lee Spnadex Suits, in black with Uchiha Crest Belt,

-25 Pairs of Underwear, (Not Boxers)

-4 Orange Jumpsuits,

-A Bunny Suit

-Santa Hat

-Pink Fuzzy Socks

-REALLY **LOW **v-necks

-Pink Nike's

And the list went on, more embarrassing clothes, and the grand total being- 63,000 yen (Around 760 dollars). Sasuke had crap load of money left, and Sakura

Strolling in the mall, she spotted a familiar blonde, with blue eyes to match. It wasn't Naruto, it was Ino. She wore a blue tank, a faded denim skirt, and some black boots. Her hair was in a ponytail, and she carried bags as well, and once she spotted Sakura, she waved her usual hello, as Sakura responded back.

"Hey, Pig, watcha doing at the mall?"

"Shopping of course, you Forehead? Why does your bag look like it's from the costume shop?" Ino asked, pointing to Sakura's collection.

She then explained about what happened to Sasuke's clothes, as Ino laughed at some parts. Ino wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, when Sakura talked about finding Sasuke shirtless, and she responded by punching Ino not-to-gently on the arm, as the blond winced in pain. Sakura waved goodbye to her 2nd best friend, 1st being Hinata, and strolled out of the mall, anticipating to see the Uchiha's jaw **_drop _**at her choice of clothes, grinning mischievously, she eyed the Uchiha Compound, and walked faster.

* * *

**AT THE COMPOUND-**

Sasuke was bored as hell. Sakura left a few hours ago, and apparently left a damn seal on the place, so he couldn't escape to train or write emo poetry. So, he just slept most of the day, cleaned up the leftover ashes, and basically acted as a pansy-boy-who-cleans-the-house. He swore that whatever Sakura was up to, she would _definately _need to give an explanation. He prayed to god that she didn't do something stupid that got her killed, because if that happened, he would be stuck in this house

**Forever.**

It's not like Sasuke didn't like his own home, but it gets boring. And if the seal never broke, it would be like Orochimaru's all over again. And he went (cough more like _fled _cough) to Konoha for the opposite. Not like he talked, but the presence of someone where was nice indeed. He then heard with his epic-ninja-skills, the door opening, and there stood a smirking Sakura, carrying bags filled with stuff. he couldn't see, but the obvious sound of bags hitting the floor was evident, he heard the she-devil (Not the he'd admit it, he _really _didn't want a beating) speak _sickeningly **sweet-**_

"Oh Sasuke! I got stuff at the mall for you!" She yelled, not knowing the exact whereabouts of the nin she was gaurding. He came out, looked at Sakura, then, the peeked into her purchases, and-

-_almost_

**screamed.**

There were embarrassing and stupid outfits, and through his digging he even spotted Identical Lee jumpsuits, **_pink _**shoes, and other shit that he _wouldn't **dare **_to wear. Yes, no one would see him in the outfits since he was on current lock down, but he had too much pride, so he spoke his true thoughts, "What the _fuck _is this **shit **Sakura?" He seethed, anger coming out of him at waves, his dangerous glare about to come out. He swore his jaw had already hit the ground, as Sakura previously done what she did before.

She **bursted **into a _fit _of laughter.

Sakura took mental note of his face, and laughed again, while Sasuke plotted murder to his ex-teammate. He was thinking of torture, then sending her off to Karin, but that was _too _evil, even for him. Yes, he kind of had a soft spot, but she deserved it from buying the **embarrassing **outfits that made him look _worse _than when he had his Orochi-pedo gear. He sighed, looked back at Sakura, who was still red from laughing, but her laughter slowed down to a stop as she looked at the Uchiha kneeling before her.

"Sakura. You. Get. New. Clothes. Now...Hn." And leaving her with a grunt, he relocated into his bathroom, getting an aspirin because the 'annoying girl' won't stop bothering him (ruining his pride). He then looked out the bathroom window, and almost choked on his own saliva.

Yes, people, Karin had managed to escape Sai, and was now stalking him through the bathroom window, binoculars in hand, clad in bootyshorts, and a bra.

Does that smell like 'slut' to you?

Well, to Sasuke it did, he was about to escape, until a 'poof' was heard in the bathroom, and when the smoke faded, Karin appeared, eyeing Sasuke _lustfully. _

But since it was **Karin, **the lustful stare looked like a piece of dog shit with googley eyes.

Sasuke declared silently, this is the _worst day _of his life.

And he **knew, **that more would come.

Sakura heard a poof, and though that Sasuke was trying to escape, then she noticed a faint smell of ugly in the house. She knew it wasn't Sasuke, and then after she sniffed herself, she knew there was an intruder. She shut the door, and sniffed out where it came from. She opened the door, and instead of laughing, she almost puked. She saw some ugly fat, _flat-as-a-board _chick failing to seduce Sasuke. Sakura noticed how her face was covered in acne, and how she smelt like shit. Sakura then looked at Sasuke, who looked like he was abut to kill himself. Sakura, not wanting to look at the hideous _thing, _she pulled a Sasuke and hit her pressure point, knocking the tranny on the ground with a thud that made cracks in the tile.

Poor tile, making contact with something _so _ugly.

If it had a soul, it would die.

After the deed was done, Sakura eyed Sasuke suspiciously. She wasn't jealous, but confused and bewildered of _why _Sasuke, the known 'most-beautiful-male-in-Konoha', would even _associate _and _date _an ugly manlady. She thought they were dating, but couldn't tell. After all, she hasn't seen him in _years. _She thought that if someone of Sasuke's status would date someone, she (the mistress) would be something eye-catching or pretty. And Sakura knew from once she laid eyes on the tranny, that she was _not _pretty.

Sasuke just sat there.

.

.

.

.

Insert Awkward Silence.

.

.

.

.

Sakura spoke first, "So? Who was that? Your _girlfriend?" _she teased.

Sasuke stood there, face blank before saying "Not in a googleplex amount of years."

He replied before brushing his arm against hers, dropping the conversation to do something else, wanting to not remember the events that happened, and _almost _happened in the bathroom. Sasuke really had **enough **mental scarring for the day. He was tired, but he didn't want to sleep, in fear of waking up, feeling violated. Cause Karin was still in the house after all. Going to his room, he placed a chakra barrier to seal himself in, stripped so he only wore his extra sweatpants, and went to sleep hoping that everything would be better the next day.

While Sakura on the other hand, was about to play a little _trick_ per say on the sleeping Uchiha.

* * *

**Oh god. I haven't updated in like a MONTH.**

**IM SO SORRY MY REVIEWERS, STORY ALERTERS, ECT!**

**School is going on, I have a Science Test tomorrow, and I still need to work on a new chapter for my new fic, 'Konoha's Angels'. And I'm halfway done with that chapter. And then I have to pick a song for my 'Miserable At Best' for my NxH. :( I'm sorry if I dissapointed you in my lack of humor and updates, but I have I life too? (not really)**

**I also apologize for spelling/grammar errors, lack of humor (give me ideas?) lack of updates, and lack of words for the shortish chapter.**

**I hope I can work on updating more and such, and thank you for reviews and hits :) We are currently 1,000+ overall and for a new writer like me, it makes me soo happy :)**


	5. Pranks? Jealousy?

Don't own Naruto. [Chapter Re-uploaded due to some spelling errors.]

* * *

It took her FOREVER to get it right.

And if your wondering what I (the author) is talking about, then refer to the last chapter of this story.

Anyway, Sakura Haruno was so close. She was going to prank the Uchiha, and see him scared _shitless. _It was going to be hilarious, and she aimed the camera perfectly, just to get it right.

Cause you always need blackmail eh?

The plan was almost complete. But the steps leading to it was... Difficult...Multiplied by ten. The plan was..Classified, Well not really cause Sakura knew the plan obviously but still.

Okay, but since I trust you, I'll tell you about what horror is going to befall the Uchiha. Sakura did some snooping around, and found out what Itachi looked like. She thought he was a girl, but then she remembered that he was a boy. The long hair was the indication that made her think he was a girl... She used that to her advantage. Sakura would cast a genjutsu on Sasuke... Yes, I know what you're all thinking.. _Sasuke has Sharingan...How the hell is this a prank if he sees right through it? _

Well, before Tsunade let them go on their probation, she cut off their chakra, and since you need chakra to **use **the sharingan, well...

You get the idea.

So, Sakura planned to cast a freaky ass genjutsu on Sasuke, video tape his reactions, send them to Naruto via email, and she might even send it to his fan club.

Cause when your Uchiha Sasuke, the fact that your the _only _U-chi-ha Sa-su-ke makes everything better. For Sakura's purposes yes, and Sasuke's? Just more FML's to add to his non-tiring list.

Or the author of this story is just really evil to him.

What is this genjutsu that will freak the shit out of our dear Sasuke? **(A/N I'd like to thank my buddy William for this idea :)**

You guys all know that Karin is basically all man right? And Sakura mistook Itachi for a girl at first glance? Well, if you put two and two together, then you'll get what I mean.

In case you don't then...Too bad.

Just kidding.

Since Karin's face and ugly ass body has been imprinted in her mind, and Sasuke's, Sakura just needed Sasuke's dear brother's photo.

Even if it was a couple of years old, and she's a medic, she can probably have an acurate idea of what he looks now.

Sakura is going to morph the two.

Yes, it sounds wrong, cause like, why would you have the beautiful, hotter-than-Sasuke brother, marry a tranny ugly-slutty-dumb-ass redhead?

And create a morphed baby and throw off the balance between pretty and fugly?

Cause Sakura hates Uchihas thats why.

So, she created it in her head, (AKA photo-shopping Karin's head on a baby, and propty using Paint to make Karin's hair have grey streaks) Sakura achieved the look and goal.

Of Karin an Itachi's child. Yes, its impossible since, like, 1, Karin and Itachi could never happen, cause Itachi would run before his almost blind-eyes see something that would truly diminish his sight.

And 2, He's kind of dead.

Checking the video-camera, she pressed the record button. Then the pink medic looked back at Sasuke's doorway, and shouted "SASUKE WAKE THE HELL UP!".

And since screaming makes Sasuke's ears bleed, and the fact that having ninja skills makes you super alert...

Sasuke kind-of-maybe-turned deaf. But that didn't stop him form going to his doorstep.

He's screwed.

Fo serious.

Sasuke couldn't keep track of time...From seeing Sakura's fast hand seals, to the alternate universe where probably he's gonna be scarred for life...Again.

_Where's a kunai when you need one? _Was one of thoughts, knowing that since he has no chakra, he can't release his nightmares...Then he saw it.

Here's the train wreck of Sasuke's emotion constipation getting the best of him...

.WTF Moment. FML. Cry in a corner.

Okay, so the last one wasn't really a emotion, but more of an action that he happily no,_ sadly_ did. Cause Uchihas don't do happy. Except his mom. But that was too painful at the moment because he was facing his brother..AS A GIRL. And Karin...As well...Karin. She kind'of already a guy..So we can't really add to that can we? He was amused that Itachi was the apparent 'bitch' in the relationship, since he's the girl. But scared since Karin in the jutsu was trying to advance on him. And when ever a tranny red-trash whore advances on you when their married, in this current situation..

Sasuke was a home wrecker. Wait... So that means Sasuke was apparently a whore. Then, he looked down, and saw what he wore...

Which was apparently boxers..

Just boxers...

**FML.**

If only he could release.

If only he knew that Sakura videotaped him.

**FML. Just FML.**

Sasuke decided to quit tallying cause he keeps on forgetting anyway.

First seeing Karin..Nude, then running from her stampede/earthquake, being hit in the head by a **brick** from a SQUIRREL FOR DAMN's sake, to burning his own clothes because of Sakura's opinion.

It was never a good day for him, and now the main reason is Sakura, but not for _fangirling, _but for ruining his life by playing pranks and having a horrible fashion sense.

GAY-LEE SPANDEX IS A NO-NO FOR UCHIHAS! NO MATTER HOW BLACK IT WAS! STRETCHY FABRIC **IS'NT **RIGHT ON GUYS!

Not that he didn't have any fashion sense in him.

I mean, did you _see _what he wore for Shippuden?

Yes, I'm talking about the gay-ass purple ribbon/rope/thing... How much did Orochimaru rape this kid, I mean **really..**

Point being, is, that you should always listen to Sakura.. Or you'll get a chakra fist in the face, or a roundhouse kick to the...

It hurts to speak about it, but the crotch area.

And you should seriously avoid calling her weak..If you want to die a slow, painful, sadistic death.

Back the genjutsu.

Sasuke looked at the small child bundled up it Itachi-_**chan's **_arms. He would've chuckled at his transvestite brother, but when he peered in to look at the child, he almost died, at how...

**Ugly it was.**

It was surprising since Uchiha's were known for their skill, talent, and the occasional good looks. Scratch occasional, its all the time. Except Madara. He's old. And wrinkly.

And Sasuke added the fact that the baby was **_Karin, _**so he/she was bound to get her ugliness.

But he didn't expect of what ALL for it to be worse the fact that Karin and Itachi was married, or that their offspring looks so..Ugly.

He was about to shed tears at tis moment.

But since he was emotionally constipated, and he's an Uchiha, Sasuke didn't.

Sasuke thought this was worse than Orchimaru and Itachi combined, it was horrible and creepy and all synonyms akin to that. And Sasuke couldn't do anything to stop the horrible scene.

Especially when his brother (more like sister) and the tranny fangirl...

**Kissed.**

He mentally facepalmed and cried. While his inner fainted at sight. Then, the jutsu was released by Sakura. Thank kami-sama. Sasuke then looked around, happy that reality was in its true colors.

Then he noticed the spy camera hidden the in pot plant that was located on the shelf.

"**_Did. You. Video. Tape. Me?"_** Sasuke dared to ask Sakura, who smirked, ripped the camera from the plant, and as fast as Sasuke could grunt, Sakura sent the video to Naruto, and saved copies on the video, just to make sure that no matter _what _Sasuke did, it will always remain alive. Sakura was satisfied at the moment, and looked in the doorway, making sure the coast was clear. After all when you piss off and Uchiha, you can only imagine things will get worse right? Sakura was just being cautious, and Sasuke still had his physical strength.

And even though Sakura was a tough cookie, she really didn't want to deal with broken ribs and bruises to heal.

Sakura took a risk, an just smirked at him. "I sent it to Naruto, and your fangirls." She added, waiting for his reaction, as she got out her camera again.

Okay, so lets countdown until the Uchiha explodes shall we?

1...

2..

3!

The Uchiha didn't glare, widen his eyes, he...**_Screamed._**

**_"SAKURAAAA!"_**

His loud, deep voice resonated throughout the house. All his bottled up emotions had a frenzy. It was like when you have diet coke, and you drop a mento.

But replace it with Sasuke's emotions, and the prank that Sakura did, plus the mutiple emails that she sent.

"Oh, and I sent it to Neji, from the Hyuuga clan right?" She really didn't send one to Neji cause she didn't have his email addres, but she wanted to scare him still.

Cause torturing Sasuke was hella fun.. If you get away from it. Sakura only hoped that Sasuke would let it go, he does to Naruto all the time, why not her?

With that in thought, she took a few steps back from the fuming Sasuke. He was going to beat no- _kill _Sakura for what she did. His pride is now in the dust, along with his dignity.

Not that, he ever had it.

Just kidding.

So Sakura, being smart, ran like hell at the Uchiha household, dropping and toppling things so that she could get away and distract Sasuke at the same time. It would also give an excuse to redecorate.

Cause like, Sakura loved that. And the Uchiha mansion looked all ghost and scary like, and that did not _float her boat._

And that prank did not float Sasuke's boat either.

Oh shit.

She was running like wild fire, as she knocked over a floral vase. And the podium that held it. Sakura was panting, starting to get out of breath.

She looked a head of her, too scared to see Sasuke's angry facial expression. She did accedentaly and almost blew into a fit of laughter.

But she didn't because she might get tired at an even faster rate.

And the pink medic didn't want that. But running like hell was _tiring _dammit, and she stopped and took a breath. But that was a bad idea in itself.

Because Sasuke didn't have brakes from running around his entire house, dodging broken glass, and what ever the hell Sakura threw at him, it was impossible.

So he headed straight towards Sakura, not being able to slow down in time.

And instead of being cliche, Sasuke missed terribly, and face palmed the floor. As you laugh at this happening, Sakura paused, and looked at the ground, to see what just the hell happened.

Mistake Number One.

Due to exhaustion and laughter, as Sakura looked sideways, she collapsed, not being able to stop herself, or really wanting to for that matter.

Now, if you saw, Sakura Haruno _**on top **_of Uchiha Sasuke?

Insert blush and perverted thoughts.

I would probably declare Sasuke as Sakura's bitch. You know? But it wasn't I who caught them, but a familiar tranny-red-head that we all know and hate until wit's end; Karin.

* * *

**KARIN POV (Like..EW)**

Oh my gawd. Like why the hell is the fucking two-faced ugly slut on _my _Sasuke-kun? I bet she was just jealous that Sasuke picked **me **to be his girlfriend, cause I'm beautiful. I;m still angry that that stupid, dumb, hokage is like, punishing us, and **my **Sasuke. Like really? And I come over to my Sasuke's house, as a present, and he _stabs_ my back to fuck a **whore?** I'll forgive him this time, cause I know he loves me no matter what. And we are gonna have beautiful kids since we are both like, sexy motha fuckers. And that pink bitch is gonna pay. Who the fuck has pink hair? I mean, she probably dyed it cause she wanted to get **my **Sasuke-kun's attention cause she's a whore.

So, like, here's what happened.

_I come to Sasuke's house and I heard breaking glass, and screaming. I knew it was the stupid bitch's scream._

_How? Cause Sasuke-kun is too manly to scream like that, and the pink bitch is screaming cause she got rejected cause I'm like, his uber sexy girlfriend._

_Anyway, as I walk in, cause Sasuke-kun is like, expecting me to come and have alone time, and the stupid bitch is on top of him._

_Like hello? I'm his damn girlfriend and he has the **nerve **to cheat on me?_

_I can't believe he did that. I want to cry but there's this strange...Crust that is preventing me, and I can't reach cause I'm strong, and my toned muscles can't reach my face._

_And if I cry, then Sasuke sees me as weak, I am so not totally weak like his stupid guard is. She's just jealous that I got to kiss Sasuke-kun and she didn't._

_All bitches be hatin' cause I have the hottest-richest boyfriend, like ever._

_I speak first (A/N more like screeching) "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON **MY **BOYFRIEND! FUCK OFF! HE'S MINE!" then as Sakura got off, I turned and looked to my beautiful boyfriend.._

_WHO WAS **BLUSHING!**_

**_LIKE WHAT THE FUCK HAPPEND HERE! SASUKE IS MY BOYFRIEND!_**

_I smiled sweetly at him but he looked at my teeth that were pearly white, but then again, my mirror hasn't been cleaned in for got knows how long.. "Why didn't you **push **her off Sasuke-kun?"_

_I continued, "I don't wanna catch any diseases from her, you know...I saw you looking at my teeth, is something there? Wanna clean it off for me?"_

_I then saw Sasuke's face cringe in fear, (probably cause what I said about the bitch is true) but he only grunted his sexy 'Hn' and like shoved me out the door._

_LIKE WHAT THE FUCK!_

_Omg, then a stupid bird, I think took a shit on me..._

I then returned to take a look at Sasuke's door, and seductively said (A/N more like manly tone) "I'll be back, Sasuke-lun."

Apparently, the stupid old people who live across my Sasuke-kun's mansion heard me, and called the damn cops.

Stupid old people!

And no I am here, in jail, and when I went in, the stupid guys backed away from my beautiful body! LIKE WHAT THE FUCK!

* * *

**NORMAL POV**

_What the fuck just happened?_

Was the two shinobi's thoughts as their heard the faint sirens of a police car. Sakura just stayed their motionless, looking at the door, then at Sasuke, then she looked at the ground.

She couldn't believe Karin just broke their eardrums and lashed out at her cause she was jealous or whatever.

Sakura didn't really care, cause she knew she was better than Karin anyway, and from her amount of fanboys, much prettier.

With that being done, she looked at Sasuke, their eyes making a silent decision. Never speak of this again. And they both learned that-

Hormones Suck.

Before Karin ruined the moment, Sakura was on top of Sasuek blushing, too shocked to move at all. Sasuke was the same, but didn't really blush, cause like, Uchihas don't do that with anyone.

Exception of his mother, cause his mom was freaking awesome. Cough Momma's boy Cough. And he didn't push Sakura immediately, cause for one, it felt warm...

And Nice.

_Woah, woah, woah... What the fuck? Why am I not pushing her off dammit... Stupid hormones..Damn it Sakura, you just had to develop in the chest area...Not that I...mind..._

Sakura's thoughts?

_Why am I not moving? Ugh, this stupid jerk just had to chase me, I am INNOCENT DAMMIT!...He just **had** to have the most defined, muscular chest ever...Stupid hormones..._

Sakura was going to plan on killing Tsunade for making her do this. Stay with Uchiha my ass...

Sasuke was then adding this to his FML list that will probably never end...

_Okay, I'll need a lot of Saki, hm... and a quick blow to knock her out.. Then I'll drag her to the forest..Sounds good...Then I will end her life by stabbing her..Damn where's my Tanto?_

Sasuke's thoughts?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

**FML.**

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**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

Stupid hormones.

* * *

**IMPORTANT NOTICE: I think I might change the title of this fic because the title doesn't really match with the story anymore...Any suggestions?**

**Okay, I again apologize for not updating in about a month..**

**I'd like to thank everyone for reviewing, and just reading this fic, it makes me feel special inside. :)**

**Review?**

**I'd also love to thank the fact that this fic has 2,000+ hits! You guys are SO AWESOME I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!**

**I really don't know when I will update this again, cause of school, but I think I'm gonna do a chapter about what happens with Suigetsu and Naruto and with Sai and Karin.**

**More humor (hopefully)**

**And I really need advice for the new chapter cause I have no idea what to do next for the plot line, so PM or Review any ideas you have, all suggestions welcome :D**

**Thank you thank you thank you for patiently waiting, and I still need to pick a song for my other fic, 'Miserable at Best'.. (NxH fic) So I really dont know when that will be updated.**

**Ja Ne!**

**Chirsta-chan**


	6. Daily Checkup?

Don't Own Naruto.

Notice that, this story is called 'My Funny Punishment' instead of '**Strain in the Heart'**, I finally thought of a new title.

* * *

(A/N Before Karin's arrest in the last chapter)

**"I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFULEST GIRL EVER! ASSHOLE!"**

"Then why doesn't the emo kid like you, Hideous?"

Insert Fake Smile.

Insert pathetic punch _after_ fake smile.

Pause.

Rewind about 5 seconds ago.

Karin has been living for Sai for about a week or so. And she hated every bit of it. First, he thought she was hideous. 2nd, he knew nothing about emotions and about girls.

I mean how was she gonna get laid like this? (A.N Who in the right mind would?) The boy was emotionally constipated, and a jerk overall. His fake smiles and actions proved so.

And why was he so pale? That was unnatural fo' serious. And whenever the blond boy came over, her guard would call him dickless. And she'd have a fight with Suigetsu, cause with every Naruto, came a Suigetsu tagging along. And our red-head hated every moment of it. She just wanted her Sasuke all to herself, and no one else. Especially since the pink bitch that he had to hang out was a girl. She knew that Sakura couldn't stand a chance to her, but Karin couldn't keep her guard down. Karin wished that she could stay with her Sasuke-kun not a stupid clone! She wanted the real him.

But no, she has to deal with Sai, who has no understanding of emotions and calls her hideous, which is so, like not true!

In her opinion she's beatifulest and stuff, but the rest of Team 7 and Suigetsu think otherwise.

Her screeches of discontent rung throughout Sai's house. It was seriously ruining his painting mojo, and in his book, it said if you want someone to be quiet you say 'Shut Up' and it should work. The pale boy tried this, but only got yelled at more. Sai was very annoyed but only a fake smile was expressed on his face. Sai continued to read his book, successfully blocking the prisoner that he had to keep watch on. He thought it was boring but it kind of helped him with emotion problems that he was currently dealing with, and Sai really needed help.

After all, he wanted to make new friends, and apparently his books haven't worked that much. I mean, was it _not _okay to kiss teammates? Even if it was the same gender?

Questions akin to this were still in his head, but he was bent on reading through the book that his sensei Kakashi gave, that had an orange cover on it.

To Sai, it was interesting and provocative.

It was sure to help him understand feelings containing to 'love' and 'lust'. He was confused on why their penises in the books were small, but didn't dare question the Sannin who wrote the successful series. Darting his black eyes to blood red ones, he raised his eyebrows in confusion as to why she was screeching like a 'bitch' is what was described in his book. So then using his new knowledge, his then stated his thoughts with pure confidence and what it said in his book, a smile.

"Can you please stop acting like a bitch?" Sai asked looking at Karin, who turned an angry shade of red, did he do something wrong? Was his description incorrect?

Her reaction was of fury and anger, as she screeched at him again, almost breaking his snow-white ears. "I AM NOT A BITCH!"

Sai then looked at his book again, in deep concentration and alert, trying to look up the best response to her anger. _Aha_! He thought, quickly reading the passage, then saying,-

"Stop making those faces Hideous, or then your face will stay like that, Hideous." Again, saying this as if he was talking about the weather in a casual manner.

Needless to say, she was not amused by his blunt insults and statements. "STOP INSULTING ME! YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS!" she screeched, cheeks flaring.

"Jealous of what?" Was his retort, going back on reading the interesting book, laying on the his black ink couch, trying to find out new emotions and common sayings.

This was gonna be a long day, Karin concluded, flipping her greasy hair using her head of couse, since her arms can't reach her face, due to her 'toned muscles'.

She remembered her first meeting with the boy, as he stated that she looked 'like a man' and asked for penis size comparasions, wondering if she was dickless like his blond friend, Naruto.

And then she remembered about how she punched him (pathetically, the author adds) and created a bruise on his face.

Then, he gave a smile in return.

* * *

**Naruto & Suigetsu.**

When Suigetsu entered Naruto's house, what was the first thing he noticed, you ask? The smell. Rotting ramen cups, dirty laundry, and spoiled milk. All into one.

And it was nasty. Too bad he couldn't do anything about it. After all, he was Suigetsu, and really wasn't he one to care about his conditions. Or did he?

The shark-like man also noticed how his guard had an obsession of ramen, and sometimes acted like a total idiot. He also noticed the pile of M-Rated books that apparently went by 'Itcha Itcha'.

He was curious to read them, but didn't. Living with Naruto was easy, the two were alike in many ways. From annoying Sasuke, to eating large amounts of food.

And being scared of women, being Sakura, (since Karin was identified as male). But they had male pride, so none of them mentioned that.

Did I just reveal their dark secret to you? Eh, whatever.

Anyway, but when things got _too _dirty in the house, Suigetsu demanded to get it cleaned. He was a pig, but two pigs and a bunch of ramen.. Well only chaos can ensue between the two idiots.

Suigetsu had been going through crack/alcohol/smoking withdrawl, and that was just plain torture.

Since he had to go with Naruto everywhere (excluding bathrooms) and Naruto didn't do crack, smoke, and only had booze on the weekends, it totally messed up his schedule.

And that sucked. **Hard.**

If only he got Naruto to do the drugs, but he knew that he wouldn't. After all they were very alike, and if Suigetsu knew himself, one thing for sure that he was hard-headed.

So screw anymore backround information, let's see what they're currently doing, which is lazing around in the hokage-wannabe's apartment.

Which was scattered with take-out boxes, ramen cups, disposable forks, spoons, knives, and Itcha Itcha volumes here and there.

Kakashi would _not _be proud, but since he's a bit..Aloof, that didn't mattter. But when he came in to check on the two dim-wits, what he saw almost made him cry out to Kami, at the horrendous sight.

The Itcha Itcha's were _disgraced! Ruined!_ (In Kakashi's opinion, he thought that Naruto was** not **_worthy_ of such a beautiful series).

The silver-haired jonin walked around more, doing his usual silent rounds of checking his students on how they were handling their current prisoner.

He just finished checking Sai, who sported a black eye with a smile.

And Sasuke and Sakura? He was gonna check them last, and see if he could get some fresh ideas for new Itcha Itcha. As he peered over the ramen cups, take-out boxes, _Deluxe _Itcha Itcha Box Set...

Pause.

Did he just _see **DELUXE**_ Icha Itcha **_BOX SET _****ever made? **The lazy teacher pinched himself, thinking he was in dreamland, crazy enough to reveal the face hidden under his mask.

But he didn't since well.. He**_ is _**Kakashi, and he doesn't do out of character things...Unless the author wants him to...

And in this case, she does.

Kakashi, ripped of his mask, but sported three red scratches (OH NO! MY PALE COMPLECTION! SCARRED I TELL YOU! **SCARRED!) ** since he ripped a-bit-too-hard. But then he heard footsteps coming...

_I think I should start counting FML's like Sasuke..._ Was his thoughts as he quickly picked up the ripped cloth that was from his former mask, trying to hide his face once again, the fabric ripped and torn.

"KAKASHI-SENSEI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" A blond shouted, which was followed by a groan, as another pair of footsteps accompanied his loud student, Naruto Uzumaki,

with his prisoner of course; Suigetsu.

"I have to check on you guys time to time, you know it's required." He said calmly taking in how the other two looked like they were in a mess, ramen sticking to Naruto;

and his prisoner having bags under his eyes, looking as if he needed something. (A/N I don't really know about withdrawl syndromes sorry.)

"Oh." Left the blond's lips, looking around to distract himself (or it was just his ADD), avoiding eye-contact with the 'old man's' eyes; Suigetsu looking and the ground.

POOF!

The jonin left, looking for his only female student, who has a fiery temper akin to her mentor (A/N Hey! That kind of rhymes), Sakura Haruno.

* * *

**Uchiha Mansion**

"Your an idiot, Sasu-chan." Sakura said tauntingly, looking at the man who stood before her, looking at the unique castle he made, out of what you ask?

Lego Bricks.

Yes, _the _Uchiha Sasuke **still **plays with Lego Bricks. And he looked _mighty fine _(I might add) doing it. The way his eyebrows furrowed, eyes deep in concentration.

_No NO NO! I WILL NOT THINK OF SASUKE LIKE THAT! STUPID THOUGHTS! _Screamed Sakura (to herself).

**Stupid? What the hell happened to you-us, look at that sexy ass. **The inner spat back, before oggling the current 'sexy ass'.

Sasuke's thoughts on this? Well, he was too busy looking sexy while he concentrated on his legos...Now where did he put the blue one...

Then, Sasuke's concentration broke once he realized what the pink woman said, to busy plotting Itachi's death in his make-shit fort, if he found the blue lego, he could complete his recreation of Kirin...

"Hn. Annoying, don't call me that. Pass me a blue one." He spoke, shooting an irritated glare, before looking back at his almost-finished masterpiece.

He needed some more red legos for the blood scenes... After he was done, the Uchiha would go get a blueberry muffin.

Yum.

"I will **not **give you the blue lego, Meanie."

"Is that all you got for an insult? I thought you were good at this, Dummy."

"THAT'S IT!"

And this is what happens when you-

Don't give Uchiha's their legos. Plus,

Give bad comebacks. Plus,

Have a temper-mental konoichi. Plus,

Have a stick-up-his-ass-emo prodigy.

A wrestling match.

Yes, Sasuke and Sakura were currently wrestling for the last blue lego piece, which started with Sakura tackling him on the ground, not noticing the provocative position they were in.

And since the author is cliche,

-Poof!

Yes, Kakashi sensei poofs in the room, while Sakura and Sasuke are fighting for a lego, and at this moment, what does the lazy jonin do?

Mentally face-palms himself, _and _whipping out a familiar porno book written by the wonderful toad sage, Jiraiya. And does Sakura and Sasuke notice his presence in the room?

Of course not.

And then the two continue to battle it out, hair being pulled (OW! SAKURA! Shut up, Uchiha!), punches in the groin, (SAKURA! TAKE IT LIKE A _MAN!)_,

inappropriate touching (SASUKE! THAT'S MY BOOB! Hn.), threats (Don't make me tell Karin- Do you want me _raped?_), rolling around (Sasuke, Hn? Get the fuck off me, rapist!), until it was too much.

"I come by to check on you guys-" The silver-jonin started-

"KAKASHI!"

"Sensei? Hn."

"-Don't interrupt your sensei, anyway, and you both are rolling on the floor over?" he questioned, and in the far corner of the wall, more than 6 feet away, was a lone blue lego, forgotten.

"It was the prisoner's fault Kaka-sensei. This monster tried to rape me for a lego." Sakura started, while she gave off the 'I'm an innocent girl, it wasn't me' tone.

"Hn. She wouldn't give me the lego for my model of the future death of my stupid brother." Sasuke stated, glaring at the girl next to him. The jonin crinkled his visible eye, then said-

"This idea will _so _go to Jiraiya-sama." He did this will blushing, and of course the creepy-pedo-giggling, then, as usual, he poofed away, looking for his idol.

"Its all your fault." "Its all your fault." The two said at the same time, then like before, they quickly said, "Jinx!". But the Uchiha was .242131239 seconds faster. "Hn. You owe me a blueberry muffin."

"You like muffins?" Sakura said, obviously confused since from what she recalled, Uchiha's didn't really have a thing for sweets. But then she shrugged, and went to the kitchen, off to make muffins.

* * *

**Somewhere in Konoha~**

**"**Jiraiya-sama, I have brought to you a new idea, for our Itcha Itcha gods." The man said, before reciting what happened in the Uchiha Mansion.

And the more he told to the sage, the more the sage smiled, while blushing at the jonin's ideas. Then, grabbing his pencils and an empty notebook, the sannin began to draw, as well as write.

The silver-jonin blushed at his idols vivid drawings and descriptions.

The novel would be gold, and he couldn't wait for it to be published, so he could read the dirty novel.

Even if it was awkward do to the fact that the main characters?

Were his own students.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHA! I HAVE IT! THE **NEW** ITCHA-ITCHA PARADISE NOVEL!"

"When will it be published, Jiraiya-sama?"

"RIGHT AWAY!" This exclamation was then marked with a fist pump.

The old man was _sure_ to own millions after this.

* * *

**The Next Day.**

"OH MY GOD! The fan-girls squealed, looking at the _very _preverted poster of their objects of desire, Sasuke Uchiha. Who was apparently the newest character addition in the Itcha Itcha series.

"Wait, who's that pinky?" One of the anorexic girls said, pointing to the girl that stood next to their proclaimed 'god' their smiles turned into anger and frowns.

"LETS GET HER FOR STEALING OUT SASUKE-KUN!" The other girl screeched, as the rest of their scary-stalker group nodded getting out their fake nails.

This.

Is.

War.

So the group huddled together, trying to remember who the girl was, and how their were going to 'scratch-her-to-death'. Pathetic right? But their fan-girls, so it made perfect sense.

Little did they know, a certain pinkette was walking down the same road, heading to the book store with her prisoner, who was currently eating a blueberry muffin.

Sakura needed some new medical textbooks, and she made Sasuke a muffin so he wouldn't stop bugging her for a moment and so she couldn't hear him bitch about him being emo

and how his life sucks. Apparently, from what Sakura found out, and from what Kakashi said yesterday, a new book was coming out (she was guessing her a sequel to her sensei's porno)

and that she should check it out for a big surprise. And since Sakura's smart, she figured that it had to do with her or someone she knew. After all, why would her mysterious sensei bring it up?

Sasuke was curious as well, but was too hypnotized about his home-made muffin. He discovered Sakura was the greatest baker ever, second to his mom of course.

But he didn't tell her that, not wanting her ego to inflate. (HYPOCRITE) But that was besides the point. He just finished his muffin, you could tell by the blue smears on his pale face.

**What I would to to lick it off!** Sakura's inner spoke, making her eyes widen. And since Sasuke has epic-ninja-skills, he noticed her eyes, well widening. So he questioned it.

"Hn?"

With a grunt of course. Since, like, Uchiha's don't really talk cause their too sexy for it. And living with Sasuke for a few weeks, it caused her to understand his constant grunts.

It pissed her off, but she then casually said, "Fangirls.2 o'clock." And since, we have to give Sasuke an FML for this chapter...

"SASUKE-KUN!"

The mob yelled, charging at the onyx eyed man, who was frozen in fear (how pride-defiling can you get for him) as he hid behind his gaurd's back, who chuckled in responce.

Sakura then punched the ground, which shattered the sidewalk. Sakura was lucky that she was close to Tsunade, or she'd be screwed that she shattered the ground.

And probably convicted of murder for some of the fangirls, after all, they are pretty weak. (read: 'scratch-to-death') But some of them were 'Karin-tough-bitches'. Which was still pretty weak.

And pathetic as well. Sasuke's thoughts?

.

.

.

.

.

.

**Someone kill me.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

* * *

Feeling his distress in waves, Sakura casted a quick genjutsu, and using the rest of her chakra, she poofed them both away. But before she could say anything, she passed out.

Sasuke's thoughts?

.

.

.

_Where the **fuck** are we?_

_._

_._

_._

* * *

**To Be continued.

* * *

**

**SORRY FOR SHORT CHAPTER AND LACK OF UPDATING GUYS! I had a mini writer's block. *sweat-drop.***

**Oh gosh, I love you guys! We are currently having 3,000+ hits! It makes me so damn happy, and I'm gonna EXPLODEEEE.**

**Sorry if it wasn't funny.**

**Review?**

**Haha, I left you guys at a cliffy. I'm still decided where the hell Sakura and Sasuke ended up. So yeah.**

**Hm, lets try to get at least of up 40 reviews? We are seven off...so...**

**But I hate being review greedy ...**

**Anyway, got any ideas of where they should end up? Place suggestions in reviews or PM me.**

**Thank you! **

**I love you guys so much!**


	7. NewsReports?

**Hey, I'm at a friend's typing furiously before I have to leave so sorry for any errors.**

**This does NOT mean I'm back, but this is one of my secret writing sessions so yeah. :(**

**I really don't know what song to use for my other story, Miserable at Best, so send me songs okay?**

**SORRY FOR SHORTNESS.  
**

**I don't own Naruto, and please enjoy this chapter. I hope you pee your pants and my failed attempts at humor. :)**

* * *

Sakura woke up, remembered how much her life sucked at the moment, then feel back onto what she thought, her bed.

But she didn't fall on a bed.

She feel on a _human. Male._

Sakura then screamed. It was not like her to go do the naughty with someone, (not that she hasn't) but one night stands? Really?

_'No. This CANNOT BE HAPPENING!'_ Sakura screamed mentally, not even noticing that the male who was under stirred in his sleep.

Then, Sakura decided to see who it actually was that she feel asleep on. Her green eyes peered to-

_black duckbutt hair, pale skin? Seems familiar..._

**Sasuke.**

Now, if Sakura was in her early teens, she'd probably have a fangirl 'OMG I SLEPT WITH SASUKE-KUN THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE'. But she didn't.

Sakura wanted to give herself a chakra-filled punch, and silently cursed herself for sleeping with said Uchiha. She really had a face palm moment, ne?

The pink-haired girl then remembered the contents of yesterday, the fangirls, the running, the screaming, the blue lego... Then it hit on her like Rock Lee on Valentine's day.

They were in a different area. Unknown. Then this is when the mental freak out begins.

"**AHHH!"** The scream so loud, the author just had to put it in **bold.** You see, this was an okay reaction, and at least the scream wasn't a Karin scream.

Like ew. Her scream (Sakura's) was very feminine, and it was loud enough to wake up the Uchiha, but not loud and shrilly like Karin's to make his ears bleed. So it was okay.

"Ugh, what the happend? Sakura get off me." He said with his deep 'I-DID-go-through-puberty' voice.

Sasuke wasn't sure if this was an FML or a 'Thank you gods for giving me another chance',but since he's an ice-cube, lets go with the FML.

But he was still confused on his current location. Then, when he noticed that Sakura was still, well, on him, and he likes his personal space, he shoved her off.

Wrong move man...Wrong move.

The beating of a thousand punches begins.

_**"SASUKE!"**_

Fuck My Life.

* * *

**In Konoha, cause the author wants to skip how Sakura pwned Sasuke, and ect. later.**

Karin was 'released' from prison. How? Well, when she just walked in, the wardens and 200 prisoners were blinded on spot.**  
**

"ITS FRI-DAY FRI-DAY FRI-DAY!" Karin sang, her voice way off key, but since it was a Rebecca Black song, it didn't matter anyway.

Since Sai is usually the cool and blunt type, he is going to sport a few pathetic punches soon. He was a curious fellow after all, wanting to find out about emotions and stuff.

He then looked down at his book, then at the monster he knew as Karin, which he gave a pet name, 'Hideous'. Which s/he didn't like at all.

Even though we all knew it was true anyway. Taking one last look at his emotions book, the pale man then looked at the s/he who he had to guard for a year.

"Your voice is like 10,000 banshees with an elephant taking a dump in the background." (A/N I really don't know where that came from...)

"WHAT DID YOU SAY! AT LEAST MY FACE ISN'T AS PALE AS BIRD CRAP!" Karin said, not knowing that was a _low blow._

Then Sai calmly walked up to her, with a fake smile on his face, his belly-shirt in view, slapped the dumb whore. (Which nobody wants anywyay..)

"Bitch, at least someone wants me. But emo-boy is gone anyway, traveling with Ugly, probably getting it on." Sai retorted, the smile still on his pale cheeks.

Karin, being very over-reactive, then said, "YEAH RIGHT! LIKE **MY** SASUKE-KUN WOULD CHEAT ON ME WITH THAT WHORE!".

"Hideous, no one wants you. Your uglier than Ugly (Sakura), your fat, and I believe you have a penis, unlike Dickless, which makes no sense because Dickless looks mostly male**.** You know what? I don't even know what gender you are. You look like both...'' Analyzed Sai.

Karin then stomped on the ground, creating an earthquake

and since she couldn't think since she didn't have a brain, walked away, the pale man following.

Why is Sai following s/he?

He had to guard her after all.

* * *

**Random Bar, in Konoha**

Strippers were on poles, perverts, pedophiles, and random drunk guys (and some girls) were walking aimlessly, not forgetting the shady (cough drug dealers cough) in the corner.

This was Suigetsu's place.

Screw that, more like _heaven._ Naruto was at the bar getting a drink, while Suigetsu just stood their in awe. No bar was as crazy as this one, and Suigetsu knows his bars. Why hasn't he gone to Konoha before?

Suigetsu would've come earlier if he knew they we as crazy as this. But who cares.

ITS TIME TO PARTYYYY! Fer Serious.

But before he was going to get shit-faced, and _totally baked,_ he had to make sure that Naruto wasn't going to leave him, after all, he needs a ride.

The purple-eyed men then continued to happily skip (like he's already drunk) to the bar.

10 Minutes Later

"SUIGETSU!" A red-faced, almost shit faced, (note **almost)** Naruto yelled, as he stumbled over a hooker, trying to look for his current prisoner.

"Hey Naruuu-hic...toehhh..." A drunk hokage said, ''Where's your prisoner?"

Her almond eyes turned to the familiar male, her cheeks pink as she stumbled over.

Shit.

* * *

**Unknown Area.**

He was bruised, beaten, with blood dripping from his oh-so-sexy lips.

Sasuke bet his entire Uchiha fortune (which is a crap load of money) that he had at least...

7 Broken Bones.

So he counted a separate number of FML's for each bone.

This sucks. he didn't know that Sakura could freaking do something so..Strong? He couldn't put his finger on it, well...

That was probably due to the fact that from his elbow down, it was numb. For both arms too.

And what was Sakura's side of the situation?

She laughed. 

_**Laughed**_ at the Uchiha.

I mean, like when do you see, a beaten the crap out of Sasuke, from a GIRL?

I mean Naruto could do the damage, but he was male.

But that wasn't what Sai thought anyway.

The Uchiha did what they did best. They sulked. Went emo. Gone to his underworld, ect...

And the worst part was, that Sasuke **knew** Sakura was a medic-nin. Can't she like heal him or something like that?

I mean come on. Sasuke was black and blue, but the thing that kept him from asking **-more like demanding-** Sakura to heal him was...

He would have to admit **defeat.**

And Uchihas have this pole-up-their-ass thing where, they uh...

They don't do that.

[The author even bets that the word 'defeat' and any synonyms to that word aren't even in his vocabulary unless the words,

'You will admit to your defeat under my supreme awesomeness.']

But the word awesomeness would probably not be used either...

Unless he was shit-faced...Like a certain Suigetsu.

"Hn."

"So he speaks!" Sakura said sarcastically, grinning down at her recent victim...Not that Sakura was that sadistic...

_SHE IS **SO** SADISTIC! ITS TRUE! I LIVE IN A DUNGEON OUT HERE! _Sakura's inner chimed.

**Shut up. **Sakura mentally replied back.

"Aren't you gonna apologize for your stupid mistake of pissing and shoving me off?" She said hotly.

"Hn. At least I didn't freak out _and _bring us here in the **first place."** He retorted.

"Ready for round two?"

Now, if this was a crack-fic, (which it kind of is) then I'd (as the writer) make Sasuke do something stupid, so I will.

"Yes. I'm ready for your man-punches now..Unless you wanna bow-chica-wow-wow." He said, without skipping a beat.

Sasuke was going to **murder** his inner for adding the 'Unless' part.

"Oh your gonna die Uchiha." She said swiftly before...

She kicked him _where the sun don't shine._

* * *

**Somewhere deep in the forest.**

"Target has gone missing." Said a blue-skinned man, looking back at his zombie partner.

"Crap." The pale man said, doing an epic OOC hair-flip, as he looked at his newly painted nails, he needed to put on a top coat later, and maybe add some KONAD bunnies. But that would be later. He needed to mess with his younger brother. Probably joke about how he was going to steal something that was his. You know, the I-like-to-make-my-brother-pissed-and-laugh-at-his-misery' type of thing. He was resurrected from the dead, and no one, was going to find out how he died in the first place...

It was how you say...Really stupid.

And he really didn't need the ego-let down. Right now, he need a top coat, and the location of his stupid little brother.

"So, Itachi-san, what are you going to do now? He's out of sight, same with the sexy-pink chick he brought with." Kisame said, then glanced at the fish in the nearby river.

So fresh, so clean, his true friends.

But before we go into his weird 'fish are friends' and 'FREE WILLY' obsessions, Itachi just glared at the ground.

What if his stupid little brother repopulated before he did?

That would **_so _**be a blow to his ego.

"Kisame?"

"Yes?"

"We need a suitable wife _('For me Itachi-san?'_ No not you, you idiot for **ME!**)A bedroom, music, pregnancy tests, and a lot of booze."

"Woah."

"Hn?"

"That was the most you have ever said to me, like ever."

"Oh and Kisame?"

"Yes?"

"They can't be ugly, a s/he, fangirl, cougar, underage, hooker, or I'll personally have shark-fin soup using my zombie-fied Magenkyo Sharingan."

"Can she be stupid?"

"Yeah, but not bordering retarded, cause if she's smart, then she'll find me out being a zombie sooner or later."

"Itachi?"

"Hn?"

"Stop talking so much, its creeping my out."

"Fine."

* * *

**Konoha News 5PM News.**

A middle-aged blond woman sat down, as papers littered neatly on her desk, as she looked in the camera straight in the eye.

Time to deliver the weekly news of Konoha.

"And by anonymous sources, we have discovered, possibly, the first zombie. He was seen with a blue-fish-like man, and was going out to the nail salon. We found out that he was going to get a top-coat for his lovely lavender nails, and bunny stamps on top. Yes, it seems odd that a male would go get his nails done- but the ANBU ninja forces are already starting an investigation. They say it may even be members of Akatsuki, sources telling us that the Akatsuki occasionally paint their nails. If you see them, they have red clouds on black collar-high cloaks, and please report to 911-ANBU. If this was a simple civilian case, it would just be 911, but our hokage is thinking otherwise, but it might be false, since we have last spotted her going to a local bar with Sake in hand."

She said this with only one breath, about to pass out from saying the news report.

Then, a static noise was heard throughout the news station, as the news reporter gasped.

"It seems that we have just noted that 2 of the highest-skilled ninjas in our village, the renowned Sasuke Uchiha, and medic-nin Sakura Haruno are missing! The apparent 'fangirls' and sometimes boys of Sasuke have been on their heels for their crush/obsession, but one fangirl has- *insert static noise* Bob, it's a he? Okay, well one s/he claims that s/he is his wife/husband and that.."

The news reporter got cut off, as it switched to another scene.

"SASUKE-KUN WILL BE MY FUTURE HUBBY! NOT THAT PINK BITCH! SASUKE-KUN RULES!" The s/he fangirl spoke, her entire body taking the frame of the camera.

1,500 people became deaf, and blind that day.

The camera was in HD, and when she shrieked like the pathetic s/he, s/he was, well...

One, everyone heard her in Konoha, and 2, they also had their T.V so, that amplified it even more.

**Total Death Toll Because of One Fangirl/boy**

**1.500 Death and Blind Now.**

**1.400 Dead.**

**1 million scarred.**

**Konoha will never be the same again. EVER.**

* * *

**Sasuke and Sakura**

"I feel like something destructive just happened." Sakura said, looking at the beat-up Sasuke, who grunted in pain and annoyance.

"Hn. I feel it too." He replied in monotone, looking up into her cough*sexy*cough green eyes. Sasuke needed a muffin.

Like right now.

"Do you think it had to do with Karin?" Sakura randomly asked, her thoughts drifting to the ugly s/he.

"Probably." He responded looking at the ground.

After a few moments, Sakura asked the golden question.

"Want a muffin?"

"Yes."

* * *

**Karin POV.**

Like o_hmygosh_.

Did you like know, that everyone thought that I was so freakin beautiful that they like, fainted? I mean I knew I was ___gorgeous_ and like now, everyone loves me. And they so admire my awesome beautiful ness. Except that dickwad Sai who ignores my seduction techniques. I mean like really? I only have like...1 or 2 STDS, but that was accounted when I was 3 years like old. Was I three? I don't know. I mean who _wouldn't_ want to be with me? What stupid people.

Like anyway, wanna here my compliments that I like, got today? Well before they fainted and turned a like, whitish pale, **(A/N basically die from her fuglyness, but Karin's too stupid to tell the difference)** they said "I can't believe my eyes!" "Oh GOD I'M BLIND!" I mean of course they couldn't believe how pretty I was and they so wanted me. But too bad cause **my **Sasuke-kun loves me.

Ew, when I think of like, my lover Sasuke-kun, I always remember that stupid pink bitch. I mean, she's so ugly and stuff.

Unlike me of course, cause I'm damn beautiful.

Oh shit.

Not the police officers.

Is that a-.

Then Karin had a light-headed feeling, and passed out.

* * *

**Area 51, 12:09:38, UNKNOWN AREA IN JAPAN.  
**

"Did you bag the animal that has disrupted the peace of this village, Houston?"

"Yes. The specimen was as big as a whale, and really ugly. It took a WHOLE ARSENAL of tranquilizers to take s/he down."

"Why did you say 'she-he', Houston?"

"Well, the specimen has both parts, our lab reports say."

"Ew."

"We have the pictures of the specimen, sir. Would you like to see?"

Houston then showed the pictures of Karin to the commanding officer.

**"MY EYES! THEY BURN!"**

* * *

**Review please? **

**They seem to always cheer me up when I get to see them :)**

**I hope I made you laugh, that is the purpose of this story anyway.  
**


	8. No Muffins?

**IMPORTANT NOTICE:**

**Sorry if this story seems a bit different ****than it was 2 years ago (expect more vulgarity).**

**I was in 12 back then, so lets hope my writing improved..****.**

**These might take longer to update since I am in high school and I plan to make these chapters around 2k. Maybe 3 if I'm inspired enough.**

_**Also, my enthusiasm to continue this story depends on the response from you guys. SO REVIEW.**_

**DNON.**

* * *

**And since I am sort of reviving this story let's start with our favorite (haha not really) s/he!**

**KARIN POV (And yes I am still going to put my own comments, just like in the past)**

Ugh.

This is totes unfair. Those police officers better stop being like so _obsessed_ over me.

Like I get it, I am so feckin' beautiful, and hot and like totally sexy-and-way-better-than-that-pink-bitch.

These officers better not be like, molesting me in my sleep cause that's totally uncool.

I would fear for their feckin' lives cause like, Sasuke-kun will totally _destroy_ them if they found out they were doing all the shit that they're like totally doing and all of these feckin' kidnappings and like I feel _so bad_ that they would have to feckin' die for looking at my gorgeous bod.

I mean, _who doesn't want me?_

**_*insert 7.6 billion people saying 'I do's!' at once*_**

_But then again, Karin is so 'feckin' deaf that she probably didn't take the goddamn hint. And yes, I had to bold, underline, and italicize that phrase._

_We all know that **no one** in their right mind would want a Karin._

Exactly.

I am the baddest bitch in town.

_"What the fuck?"_ Ew! Is that like, another police officer?

I bet he wants to release me, since I've been treated like a feckin' animal ever since I was like, poked and stuff.

_"WE MUST CONTAIN THE SH. WE MUST CONTAIN. IF SH IS LEFT OUT IN PUBLIC, WHO KNOW'S WHAT THE HELL WILL HAPPEN?"_

**_"CODE 5! CODE 5! GET THE GODDAMN DARTS!" _**Like, _ohmygosh,_ won't these stupid like, people ever shut up?

**_"But sir, we haven't tested-"_**TOO MANY PEOPLE TALKING, LIKE ONE GIRL CANNOT KEEP UP WITH THIS.

**_"DOESN'T MATTER, PROJECT 'IT'S NOT HUMAN' MUST BE PUT DOWN, I REPEAT, PUT DOWN!"_**

Oh feck.

* * *

**Konoha News Cast Thing**

Lights.

Camera.

Action!

"And now I bring you urgent news, citizens of Konoha!"

the same middle-aged blonde woman spoke, shuffling her papers around her desk, looking honestly-quite terrified.

But she sighed, holding in all her breathe for her next words.

"It appears that an underground research project has been put down yet again. The deaf/blind and death tolls are rising as scientists try to detain a woman-man looking animal who is said to have looked like an alien. No new details have been reported, and many officers and staff have been skipping work as of late. No one exactly knows what the said s/he appears to look like, and some conspiracy theorists are suggesting that the government experiment is linked towards yesterday's news of the redheaded tranny/fangirl that caused:

**1.500 Deaf and Blind**

**1.400 Dead.**

**1 million scarred."**

The blond news reporter then ran out of air and picked up her 10 gallon water bottle, chugging down its contents.

She began again, "The government hasn't confirmed or even denied these accusations, but we have managed to get pictures of the said specimen of lab 13."

Then, she focused her attention back to her earpiece, her face holding complete and utter shock.

"It has come to my news that our Commanding Officer of the civilian police force became blind merely hours ago from what is now the _confirmed _truth- there IS-"

Suddenly, all the TVs, radios etc. stopped working all at once.

* * *

**Konoha's Powerplant**

"DUDE! WHAT THE HELL?" A workman screamed, (quite unmanly, if you asked me) as his eyes burned blind, the last thing he saw was a fiery red moustache and long, long, combine-all-the-hair-metal-band's-hair-in-100-thick-strands long of armpit hair with the same coloring.

"JOE? ARE YOU OKAY?"

"OH SHIT, WHAT IS THAT THING?"

"IT LOOKS LIKE JABBA THE HUT MATED WITH LINDSEY LOHAN ON DRUGS!"

"LIKE, OH MY GOD, THANKS FOR ALL THE COMPLIMENTS GUYS, I KNOW I AM SO BEAUTIFUL!"

**And like Patrick's story with the ugly (cough s/he) barnacle-**

**Everyone died.**

**And someone just happened to land on the red button that shuts off all electricity in Konoha.**

"EW! WHY MUST ALL THESE MEN FALL TO MY CHARMS?"

* * *

**About 2 hours before the show started~~~**

The producers were about to pull up the controversial picture that were _totally not bought at the black market_, but then the phone rang at the director's office.

"Hello?"

"Yes. I demand that you shall not show those pictures."

"Why not? Who are you?"

"It's stupid. History will repeat itself, and you will just end up with more handicapped and dead people who will never look at your channel again."

"Oh no! But wait, so is it true that the government is experimenting on whatever the hell I saw this morning during the preshow?"

"Yes. I advise you to kill it with fire."

"Okee-dokee!"

* * *

**Naruto POV**

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Tsunade's going to freaking _murder me._

There was too much dancing, and strippers, and funny drunk people and this is just not okay cause

I just lost a crazy, S-ranked level convict who is probably out there snorting coke or some shit.

Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

I AM SO STUPID.

Thank god Tsunade is fucking shitfaced; otherwise she would cut off my balls.

Naruto started frantically looking for his said convict.

Note: It is approx. 2 AM.

Also, because the author can make anything happen...

Naruto, frantically looking for his convict stopped in front of Ichiraku to get some ramen.

BOOM.

The rain poured fucking buckets, and as Naruto looked straight into the _freaking soul_ of Teuchi, through his eyes, of course.

The orange ninja had an 'oh-no-old-man-you-better-not-fucking-close-up-the-shop' expression on his face.

How he could say such a complicated phrase with just his face?

_The world will never know._

Needless to say, Teuchi closed the shop.

Naruto cried.

Tears of sadness.

* * *

**Unknown Dark Alley, around 12.1983274 feet from said-bar where Naruto was just located at before he was at Teuchi's ramen place.**

"WHAT DO YA MEAN, 2.12348949 GRAMS OF CRACK IS MORE THAN 7 BUCKS, A SHOELACE, 3 1/2 PENNIES AND 6 QUARTERS?!"

Suigetsu was completely outraged that the Konoha's LDDWHD (stands for Local Drug Dealers Who Have Dealings) was expensive as heck; and, the shark-toothed man needed his fix.

_This is completely unfair. Fuck in Kiri it was wayy cheaper._

What Suigetsu doesn't know, is that when he got high in Kirigakure, the dose was small.

And it wasn't even legitimate drugs in the first place.

98% of it was made of flour.

It only took 2% _of one hit_ for Suigetsu to declare himself a drug addict.

"Sorry man, have you ever even _snorted_ coke before? Cause it's pretty well known that coke is expensive."

The drug dealer stated, sporting an orange mask with one eye hole open.

"But why?"

"Cause. The fucking tight security here makes it very difficult to smuggle drugs here. They are pretty illegal, ya'know."

"Oh." Suigetsu replied awkwardly. "But why is it so cheap in Kirigakure then?"

The drug dealer laughed quite hard.

For about 10 whole minutes straight, actually.

"HAH-Didn't you AHAHA-know that HAHAH- Kiri is *deep breath* the worst AHAHA- place to get drugs? _Especially coke?_"

"Why?"

"Because. Since it's on its own island for god's sake, transportation is **_even harder._**(A/N Yes, it's so hard that the author had to bold and italicize it) So at least 96% of the drug dealer population just mixes up their drugs with household products and selling them cheap. I don't know why they would sell it cheap if they could make it super expensive; it probably just has to do with the economy or somethin' like that."

"Fuck."

* * *

**Oh yeah, at some point we need to see Sasuke and Sakura interact, right?**

"I don't have any."

"Then why the hell did you offer?" Sasuke growled angrily. He was really counting on that fucking muffin.

_WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU CRUSH MY HOPES AND DREAMS, DAMMIT?_

_FUCK MY LIFE._

"I dun know, I just wanted to make you feel better I guess. I'm still not healing your bones so, yeah." Sakura replied simply, looking back at the forest trees.

FML. FML. FML. FML.

"Seriously?" Sasuke questioned, disbelief in his eyes, that weren't really that sexy as usual, due to them being black from Sakura's numerous punches.

He really shouldn't have pulled the 'bow-chica-wow-wow' move.

He knew it wouldn't have even worked anyway.

"Fo' sho." Sakura answered in a gangster-like fashion.

"Shouldn't we be finding out where the hell we are? This is completely absurd." Sasuke stated, looking around the forest.

"Yep."

_Is Sakura this illogical and stupid?_

"Well, if you, oh, I don't know, _heal_ me, and then wouldn't this finding out our location go along much smoother if you didn't have to assist me?"

Sasuke felt as if he were fucking Dora asking a child about speaking Spanish or some shit like that.

"You don't have to be such a fucking **smartass, **Sasuke. I get it.

Your selfish-ass wants me to heal you cause I fucking rock at it, but I cannot, because you are an **_egotistical, selfish, arrogant, snarky, sarcastic BASTARD!"_**

_Whoa there._

_That escalated quickly._

Sakura then pouted and turned her body away from Sasuke.

The two seriously needed to get provisions, and if Sakura was going to be a whiny bitch,

-then Sasuke thought that he should be taking matters into his own hands.

Sighing, Sasuke added another FML to his list and clutching his 7 broken ribs, he wandered away, getting some firewood.

It was getting cold.

* * *

**Remember that time where Itachi was a zombie?**

"Dude."

"Duuude."

"No. We are not going to engage in such _foolish games."_

"Damn, Itachi, you sure can hold your beer well. You've had what? Like 9 already? I'm only on my 4th and I'm starting to get tipsy. You, on the other hand, look like you could still fucking drive. What's your secret?" Kisame quipped, looking back at the only man of the Akatsuki he could look up to if there was any.

"Kisame." Itachi sighed, giving Kisame a short 'are-you-fucking-dumb' look.

_I think he's forgetting something..._

"Yes?" Kisame responded confused at what Itachi was trying to say.

"I'm a fucking zombie. I don't get drunk since my whole body at this point is starting to decay. I am not alive."

"Oh...Then why the hell did we buy all this booze? Kakuzu is going to shit bricks!" Kisame retorted, suddenly panicked.

That Kakuzu dude was fucked up and greedy as shit.

"Well, I kind of wanted to piss him off, and we need to get _her_ drunk, Kisame. **Not me.**" He reminded the blue-skinned man of their earlier plans.

"And how are we going to find this woman you are forcing upon to carry your undead, zombie spawn?"

"No fucking clue. I haven't tried to pick up chicks in years."

Itachi continued to stare at his perfectly manicured nails, they were a bright, neon purple with white cotton-tailed bunnies with flying unicorn weasels as a background.

So. Fucking. Awesome.

Who knew that his hometown would be held with such _nail-painting _artistry that was happily displayed on his fingers.

But their content drunk bubble (if there such thing) was broken when both of their earpierces/(basically ninja bluetooths) rang loud with a certain someone's voice.

"_WHAT THE FUCK ITACHI AND KISAME? WHY DOES OUR BILL STATEMENT SAY THAT SOMEONE BOUGHT 10 SIX PACKS? AND I KNOW ITS YOURS BECAUSE THE BILL COMES FROM THE SAME AREA WHERE YOU BITCHES ARE. YOU BETTER NOT BE WASTING MONEY EVER AGAIN. I AM GOING TO TELL PEIN ABOUT THIS!"_

* * *

**Didn't that team 7 have that one lazy leader guy that was supposed to be kind of checking his team and their prisoner?**

A silver-haired man was strolling down the block to his favorite bookstore.

Jiraiya promised that a new volume of his forever favorite series was going to published this week.

Kakashi 'happened' _**to own every single one.**_

This was the sannin's 10th volume, as most of the Itcha Itcha Paradise books needed new research for each volume.

And it takes a _long_ time to gather said _'research'_ when left and right you are being beaten down by numerous, mostly nude women.

The jounin reached his beloved bookstore, and strode in as a bell chimed, signaling a new customer.

(But we all knew inside that Kakashi was a regular, frequent visitor to the book store.)

After all, Jiraiya isn't the _only author_ that writes certain things that Kakashi likes to read about.

***cough PORN PORN PORN PORN cough***

Kakashi reached the back of the store where his favorite genre usually rested.

The lights were pretty dim and soft jazz music filled the room.

_Found it! _

The masked pervert then cracked the new volume opened and skimmed a bit- a faint blush running down his cheeks.

_Good luck this fucking mask hides my face. Don't know what to say about my pants though._ Kakashi pondered as he looked down.

He read a bit further, and tried to imagine what Jiraiya was describing...

_oh hell no._

_DID HE JUST PUT SAKURA AND SASUKE IN A SMUT-BOOK? WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS SO WRONG._

_kill it._

_ KILL IT WITH FIRE AND BLEACH MY EYES._

Then, a certain woman with purple spiked hair ***cough who despised men cough*** happened to walk by.

_Aw, fuck. Please don't talk to me, please don't, God I beg you..._

"Hey Kakashi! Still reading porn I see!" Anko declared rather obnoxiously, quickly grabbing the attention of others.

_Fuck. My. Life._

_Sasuke and Sakura better be having a shitty time together, cause nothing can beat this._

POOF!

"What the hell, Kakashi? Where'd you go?"

***Cough Anko-was-fully-aware-about-what-she-was-doing Cough***

**Mission accomplished.**

_Oh fuck, I just stole from the bookstore._

_AND THIS BOOK FEATURES MY STUDENTS HAVING SEX._

_FUCK THIS. SO DONE._

_SO._

_FUCKING._

_DONE._

_WHY GOD, WHY?_

* * *

**PLEASE REVIEW, I AM STILL DEBATING IF I WANT TO CONTINUE THIS CRACK FIC OR NOT, SINCE IT'S BEEN AWHILE.**

**I ALSO TAKE IN SUGGESTIONS FOR FUTURE CHAPTERS.**

**REMEMBER, THIS ALL DEPENDS IF YOU TELL ME YOU WANT THIS TO COME BACK.**

**THANK YOU, BYE!**

**-thebrokenwriter.**


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